


Sweet Agony

by Magentas_Nightmare



Category: The Walking Dead & Related Fandoms
Genre: F/M, First Love, Infatuation, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Romantic Fluff, Teen love, True Love, Unrequited Crush, Unrequited Love, ansgt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-14
Updated: 2019-04-22
Packaged: 2020-01-13 10:58:38
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 21,995
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18467563
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Magentas_Nightmare/pseuds/Magentas_Nightmare
Summary: Josephine felt the sting of unrequited teen love once and got burned, but then she is forced back to the very place where her heart was broken and has to decide if it's really over for her or not.





	1. Chapter 1

**_ Sweet Agony - Chapter One _ **

**_ Madison, Georgia _ **

**_ June 1985 _ **

_Dear Diary,_

_I went to the mall today with Cathy and she was drooling over some bonehead in our bio class, she’s dreaming if she thinks a football player will ask her out, but what do I know? I’m in love with my brother’s best friend and he doesn’t even know I’m alive. Don’t get me wrong, he’s friendly to me, but he doesn’t see me that way. I never liked any boy the way I like him, every time I look at him it just aches inside. I’m so pathetic, I know it, but I can’t help the way I feel. He’s just too gorgeous and funny and sweet…I’m hopeless._

              ###########

Joe got home that Friday after chess club and flopped down on her twin bed to rest for a minute. Her life was nothing but clubs, homework and being the good girl; it got tiring.

“Joe!” her mother called.

She just couldn’t seem to catch a moment of peace that day.

“What?”

No answer.

“WHAT?” she hollered louder, hoping to avoid getting up to see what her mother wanted.

“Come help me get things ready for supper, this place is a mess and I got home late and your brother is nowhere to be found!”

Joe sighed and dragged herself up to trudge down the stairs to the kitchen.

There was only one reason she normally cared where Shane was, and it had to do with his best friend Merle. Merle Dixon was life itself to Joe: muscular, handsome and cocky. Joe herself was thin, with thick glasses, upper and lower braces, and no dress sense. She tried to pull off different looks on occasion, but it never felt right, so she always fell back on what felt most like her. Josephine Walsh was a nerd and she came to accept that she would never catch the eye of a guy like Merle. She would French braid her long, curly dark hair every morning just to keep it under control and because her overall look didn’t work with ‘cool’ clothes she would stick to jeans and pastel tops that were safe and boring. It was easier to blend into the wallpaper than to draw attention to herself.

“Where is Shane anyway?” she asked her mom when she made it to the kitchen.

“I don’t know, he never calls anymore now that he’s a big senior. I think he’s going to a party tonight with Dixon.”

Her mother always called Merle ‘Dixon’  almost affectionately. He was like a lost puppy at their house for years, turning to her mother for food, comfort and random things his father didn’t provide.

“Are they crashing here after?” Joe asked eagerly.

“That kid can never seem to make it back to his own house. Probably because his father never puts food in the fridge.”

Shane and Merle came bursting through the back door to the little bungalow and went straight for the aforementioned fridge, coaxing a ‘see what I mean?’ look from her mother.

Debbie Walsh loved being right about pretty much everything and never failed to point out when she was.

“Hey there, dork!” Shane grinned, grabbing a rolled-up newspaper from the kitchen counter and smacking her with it. “How was nerd club today?”

Joe was often seen as younger than she was due to her style and polite manners, especially by her older brother Shane. At 18, he had worlds more experience in life than she did, and he still treated her like she was 12, Joe hated that, particularly when he did it in front of Merle. Joe wanted him to see her as a peer, as a viable romantic option.

“Don’t be a jerk, Shane,” she answered back. “Believe it or not, some people actually like chess.”

“I’ve never been that bored, Joe. I actually have shit to do,” he laughed.

“Shane, language!” his mother reprimanded.

“Sorry, mom. Me and Merle are gonna grab something to eat and then we’re going to Rick’s for that party.”

“You better not be driving,”  Debbie warned.

“We won’t be,” Merle assured her. “Gonna take a cab.”

“Just don’t go getting yourselves into any trouble. School’s almost over and you two will need proper employment.”

“You got it, Debbie,” Merle grinned.

“What did I say about calling me Debbie?” she huffed with raised eyebrows.

“It’s your name,” Merle argued. “Pretty name too.”

“Get out of my kitchen,” she laughed. “Both of you, before you empty my fridge!”

“Awww, Debbie, don’t be so mean!” Merle cackled, grabbing a handful of cookies as Shane dragged him downstairs.

Joe stood mesmerized by him in the kitchen, jealous of her own mother, it was so sad. Merle had an innate ability to get any woman flustered and he seemed to like doing this to every female he was in contact with…except her. In many ways, Merle treated her as his own kid sister, and she hated that.

She helped get dinner going and then headed down to the basement to sneak a peek at Merle getting ready to go out. He was known to walk around without a shirt on occasion, he often stole one of Shane’s clean shirts to go out. Apparently, laundry rarely got done in the Dixon household.

“Brat! Get out of here!” Shane bellowed when he caught her flipping through the family albums next to the old cabinet TV.

“This is my house too, and I’m not even bugging you!” she whined.

“We’re discussing adult shit down here!” Shane argued.

“I’m 16, I’m not a little kid.”

“Joe! Get lost!”

“Hey, man, she ain’t bothering me. Let her be.”

“You don’t get it, Merle. You don’t have a brat sister who will never stay out of your hair.”

“I got a brat brother I’d trade for Joe any day,” he laughed.

Joe grabbed the album she was seeking and started to carry it up the stairs.

“What you got there?” Merle asked her out of the blue. He rarely spoke to her, but she must have looked sad or something.

She held out The Smiths ‘Meat is Murder’ album for him to see because she could only speak full sentences to Merle Dixon in her mind. He was smiling at her and had defended her against Shane’s attacks as he often did. Sometimes he’d go out of his way to make her smile and nothing made her feel more special.

“Good album,” he smiled.

“Yeah, it’s great.”

“Nobody cares, Joe. Go away!” Shane sighed, stripping off his shirt and sniffing another he grabbed out of the laundry basket.

Joe gave up and shook her head to turn and walk back upstairs.

“You’re kinda hard on her, don’t you think?” Merle commented as she reached the top step, making her smile.

/

Joe was planning to stay downstairs to catch a peek of Merle in the morning, he looked so good first thing in the morning.

She spent the evening finishing up her homework, playing The Smiths because Merle said he liked it too. Joe changed into a nighty for bed around 11 pm and pulled the elastic out of her long braid allowing her hair to go wild for the night. Eventually, she got sick of waiting for Merle and Shane to come home and crashed in the spare bedroom downstairs, thinking of him as she drifted off.

Joe was awoken by headlights on the ceiling through the little basement window late that night and knew it was Shane and Merle being dropped off by a cab. She rolled over, knowing she would be staying awake to listen to them talk about their evening. Joe would sometimes hear about Merle with other girls and paid close attention even though it killed her. Sometimes she’d hear him taking a leak in the bathroom through the wall and she even enjoyed that. Her crush was off the rails.

They kicked off their shoes in the entry way and she could tell by the way they stumbled down the stairs that they were tanked. She rolled over to look at the time on her watch, 1:30 am.

She heard her brother moaning that he was wrecked and heard the sound of him collapsing on his bed.

Joe pulled the sheets up to her chin and yawned as she rolled over toward the wall. Merle would probably crash on the pull-out couch just outside her door in the rumpus room and she sighed, just imagining it. He would look so good laying there in only his boxer shorts.

About 10 minutes later, the door to the spare room opened and the light in the ceiling was suddenly blinding her.

“Shit! Sorry,” Merle chuckled as he turned off the switch, but not before taking in a long look at her.

He didn’t seem to recognize her with her hair down and dressed in the black nighty instead of some pastel shirt with a kitten on it.

“Joe?”

“Yeah?” she answered, almost laughing at his failure to clock her.

“I’m fuckin’ dizzy,” he mumbled.

“Do you need to sit?” she offered, expecting him to sit on the chair in the corner of the room, but instead he sat down on the bed she was in.

“Man, what a night!” he rambled. “I got so toasted and almost got in a fight with this college guy.”

“Oh…well, I…”

Joe had no idea what to say and it didn’t even occur to her to cover herself up, she never really imagined Merle looking at her that way, but he was.

“Damn…when did you start looking like this, Joe?”

“Like what?” she grinned.

“Like…a fox.”

“Really?”

“Hell yeah…you’re lookin’ fine as hell, girl.”

It was just like a dream, he moved in close to her and before she could even process it, he was kissing her hard and urging her back on the bed.

Joe’s 16-year-old heart exploded as he touched her face and filled her mouth with his whiskey flavoured tongue.

“Damn, I wanna have you,” he groaned.

“I want you too,” she whispered when his lips found her neck.

Merle pulled back the sheets and then he was between her thighs, pulling her right leg up around his hip. Josephine Walsh was never the same after that moment. He thrust against her a few times and felt up her breasts through the silk of her nighty, he set her soul on fire that night. Adrenaline blazed through her body and her loins caught fire with every second, Merle Dixon was the hottest thing her young mind could conceive of.

The interaction continued for another few minutes until it dawned on him what was happening.

“Jesus…Joe, I’m sorry. What the hell am I doing?”

“It’s OK,” she assured him, praying he wouldn’t stop.

“Nah, this ain’t right. I’m just fucked outta my mind. I shouldn’t be here. Your brother would kill me.”

“I won’t say anything,” she almost begged, reaching for him as he got up.

“I’m sorry, Joe. This ain’t right. I gotta go.”

“But-”

Then he was gone.

Joe was on fire, her heart and her soul burning her alive in a little twin bed in the basement of the house where she lived all her life.

She overheard a conversation the next morning that cemented the incident as a ‘nothing’ event in Merle’s life and she forced herself to let it go.

“What the hell were you doing in the spare room last night?” Shane asked.

“Got lost on the way to the bathroom,” Merle laughed. “Think I might have woken up your sister.”

“Thought I was gonna have to kick your ass for a second there. My sister is a sweet little virgin, I don’t need your filthy hands on her.”

“Don’t be stupid, Joe’s a kid,” Merle laughed. “You ain’t got nothing to worry about there.”

Joe wept over the encounter for about a week and then poured herself into her school work and avoided her brother and Merle like the plague. She was never in her brother’s way again, he never had to tell her to get lost after that night.

Time passed and Joe moved to Atlanta after high school to get away from her past and spent the next 8 years earning her Doctor of Pharmacy degree. Merle and Shane went into business together after high school and Joe didn’t visit often, she and Shane were never very close to begin with. If she did come to town, she’d spend a day with her parents but never stayed overnight.

She poured her life into her education and then her work, not planning to ever return to her hometown to live again.

In time, Joe became a new woman, a highly educated and more confident woman who didn’t allow herself to fall prey to infatuation. She grew out of her social anxiety and dated a few boys in university, but she never forgot that night with Merle. Joe didn’t allow herself to fall completely for anyone after that night, she kept her eye on the prize and focused on anything but love.

 


	2. Chapter 2

**_ Sweet Agony – Chapter 2 _ **

**_ June 1995 _ **

“I think Jack is going to ask me to marry him! He asked me my ring size and he’s taking me to a fancy dinner on Friday.”

Joe was happy for her best friend, but she couldn’t pull off that giggly, squealing thing like other women.

“That’s great news, I’m so happy for you,” Joe smiled over drinks at their favourite lounge.

She dated a little, but she didn’t allow it to take over her brain the way her friends did. A childish crush had left her weak and feeling stupid for months; she learned her lessons in love at a young age. Joe had a reasonably active sex life, but even men she liked a lot didn’t reduce her to a puddle of emotions. She just couldn’t pull it off. She had never been able to muster excitement, at least not since she was a teenager. Those days were long behind her.

“What’s up with you, Joe? Aren’t you ever just giddy over a guy?” Jacqui pleaded.

“I’m sorry, it just doesn’t hit me that way anymore, not since I was a kid, but I am genuinely happy for you, Hun.”

“Thanks,” Jacqui smiled. “It feels like I’ve been waiting forever for this and I can’t wait.”

“Run with it, Jacqui. You two are a great match,” Joe smiled.

“What happened to you anyway?”

“What do you mean?”

“What made you such a pessimist about love?”

“Nothing really, just a stupid teen crush that didn’t pan out.”

“You must have been burned good,” Jacqui winced.

“It wasn’t even that bad, this guy wasn’t even my boyfriend…”

“You just got this weird faraway look in your eyes,” Jacqui laughed.

“I haven’t thought about him in a really long time…I was absolutely certifiable for him back then.”

“Who was it?” Jacqui pressed.

Joe never got this way while talking about men and Jacqui was thoroughly intrigued.

“My brother’s best friend, Merle Dixon. He was the hottest thing in my eyes back in the day: curly dirty blonde hair, built like the man of steel and this raspy voice that made my knees quiver.”

“Damn.”

“Yep.”

“So, what happened?”

“It’s not even a good story.”

“Come on.”

Joe ordered a shot, downed it and told the first person in her whole life about the night Merle Dixon, slid between her 16-year-old thighs and set her on fire.

“Holy mother of God,” Jacqui mused.

“Then he told my brother I was just a kid and that I was off his radar,” Joe shrugged.

They had a few more drinks and Joe took an Uber back to her Atlanta condo. She was still ruminating on her first crush when she noticed the smoke from down the street.

“What the hell?” she whispered.

“Looks like a hell of a fire,” the driver commented.

“Yeah…but it’s really close to my….”

“Ma’am?”

“Holy shit! That’s my building!” Joe screamed.

“Where did you want me to drop you off?”

“Here! I need to see if anything is left!” Joe almost sobbed, grabbing for her purse to hand over money and then running the rest of the way down the street.

            ##########

Joe spent the night of the fire in a hotel alone, trying to process that everything in her life would be different now; her home was gone. The fire originated in her neighbor’s suite and the only untouched room was her bedroom.

Joe lost nearly everything she owned in the fire and was emotionally devastated by it.She had done a fair amount of travelling in her years since leaving her home town and now every souvenir and every personal item was gone. A few things that were stored under her bed survived the blaze, but it was mostly things from her childhood that she didn’t consider to be of high importance. Her high school diaries and awards for nerd clubs weren’t things she cared very much for. All of the photos she had taken on trips were gone and it killed her inside.Joe’s personal belongings meant a lot to her, she didn’t have a steady boyfriend, so she treasured her things that much more.

Her photos were beautiful reminders of journeys in her life and people she’d met, and it was all gone. Almost everything she loved from the last ten years was erased. All of her things from university were destroyed, every letter, every painting, every knick knack…gone.

Joe found herself in a dark place, with nowhere to live and as it turned out, the insurance claim was going to take weeks to process all tenant claims. The neighbors responsible for the fire were denying the whole thing and calling lawyers over it.

With nowhere else to turn, Joe was left with no better option than to take some time off work and call her brother. Shane was married now and living in the house where she had been raised.

Her parents were in a smaller condo after her father had a stroke and needed a wheelchair accessible home.

The idea of going to stay with Shane in that old house gave her the shivers, but she knew that he would welcome her. They weren’t close and never had been, but family was family and Shane was a decent family man now, Lori had changed him.

He was excited to hear from her and assured her that it was no trouble to have company even though Lori was about to have their second child soon.

“It’s a great time for you to come down actually, Joe!  Lori has her hands full with Judith and we’re all helping out with the wedding. Hey! Maybe you could take pictures for the wedding, right?”

“Slow down, Shane! What wedding?”

“Merle is getting hitched this month. Didn’t I tell you about that?”  
“Nope.”

“Been busy, I guess. So, when can you be down?”

“Right away actually. I have nowhere to live while they work out this insurance BS and I’m taking time off work. I still can’t believe all my things are gone…”

“Sorry, Sis. Come on down as soon as you can get here, and we’ll take care of everything.”

“Thanks, Shane. Thanks a lot for this.”

“Hey, we’re family. I love you, you know?”

“I know. I love you too. Since when were you all mushy like this though?” she smiled on the other end of the phone.

“It happens when you have kids, you’ll see when it happens to you.”

“You know I’m not the “marriage and babies” type, Shane. That’s your thing,” she laughed.

“Famous last words,” he teased.

“Uh huh,” she relented. “I’ll see you by suppertime if that’s not too soon.”

“Perfect. See you then, Sis.”

Shane was a whole different guy since he married Lori and they had Judith. He was a sappy family man that Joe barely recognized but she liked this new Shane.

Joe finally let the fact of Merle getting married seep through into her mind as she collected her few items to travel back to Madison. She contemplated what kind of woman he would be marrying and wondered what he looked like now.

Joe had seen a photo of him in a Facebook page for Shane and Merle’s landscaping company a few years back, but nothing recent.

Something inside her felt anxious to see him again after so many years, but she pushed the feelings down deep inside as usual. She had seen Shane at Christmas with her parents and he had brought Lori and Judith to Atlanta a few times, but she didn’t go home very often, and she never saw Merle when she did. Joe told herself that seeing him with another woman would be fine, after all it was a million years ago that she had loved him so madly…

 

 

 

 

 

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just realized that this is a downer for the first few chapters, I promise it will not stay that way. Some very nice things coming soon! :)

**_ Sweet Agony – Chapter 3 _ **

Joe drove back home to Madison, Georgia in the early evening and felt a strange anxiety that she didn’t expect as rain began to fall on the windshield of her car. The manager of the pharmacy where she worked wished her well and said they’d be fine for a while without her. Dale was an older gentleman who was always telling her to relax more and take more personal time for herself, but she never felt like she needed it. Joe liked to be at work where life made sense and there were rules. Nobody got hurt at work.

She pulled up at about 6 pm and paused for a moment, looking at the house where she had been raised, where she had been a different girl.

“Hey!” Shane hollered, walking out the front door and toward her vehicle.

Joe predicted that she was about to have no personal time for a good while.

“Come on in! Everyone’s here!” he grinned.

“Everyone? Who’s everyone?”

“Come on,” he urged, grabbing her bag from the trunk and walking inside with it.

Joe found the living room filled with people from her past, old friends and her mom and dad.

“Wow,” she exclaimed nervously. “You really meant everyone.”

She spotted Merle in her periphery and decided instead to focus on her parents.

“Mom, dad, hey!” she smiled and leaned down to hug them both, taking a seat next to her father on the couch. “How are you feeling, daddy.”

“Still ticking, honey,” he answered in his newly broken speech. “I’m so sorry about your home.”

Joe leaned her head on his shoulder and realized that she needed to make it home more often, she missed her parents.

“It’s OK, dad. Nobody got hurt at least.”

Shane handed her a cold bottle of beer and Lori began to play some music on the stereo.

“You look so gorgeous, Joe,” Lori praised. “You’re always dressed so fancy.”

“You think?” she mused, looking down at her black dress pants, red silk blouse and heels.

“We’re so happy to have you with us for a whole month,” Lori continued. “I sure hope you don’t mind using the old spare room downstairs though. We already have the nursery set up for the new baby.”

Lori was heavily pregnant, and Joe assured her that it was fine although she’d find it hard not to think of Merle in that room.

Joe said hello to a bunch of people she went to high school with and was surprised that so many of them stopped by just to say hello. Her old chess club and yearbook friends all expressed happiness to see her and sympathy about the fire; it made her feel good.

“Well, well, well,” came a raspy voice that made her heart do an unwanted flip flop thing.

“Hey,” she smiled, looking up into those same blue eyes. Those eyes hadn’t changed although so many other things had. “Come here,” Merle demanded, pulling her up to her feet and drawing her into a bearhug.

“Oh…well, hi,” she giggled, awkwardly.

Somehow, he turned her into that 16-year-old again so easily, at least in terms of social awkwardness.

“You look like a million and a half dollars,” he winked.

_Why did he still have this power?_

“Oh, thanks…you look pretty good yourself. I hear some lucky woman has taken you off the market.”

“That’s right!” he smiled. “She ain’t here tonight but I am getting wrangled finally. How are you still single anyway?”

“Not really looking to get married at the moment,” she explained. “Pretty busy with work.”

“That’s right, you’re a fancy pharmacist,” he noted. “Lots of schooling for that, hey?”

“Definitely. So, when’s the big day?”

“Another 2 weeks still, but you have to come, Joe.”

“I’d love to, thanks,” she smiled.

Merle was dragged away then to discuss a business issue with Shane, but he kissed her cheek before walking away.

            ##########

Joe placed her bag on the bed in the basement and realized that the quilt on the bed hadn’t changed since the night Merle climbed on top of her.

Three boxes had been saved from the fire, all filled with artifacts from under her bed and she dragged them into the room to go through them in privacy.

**_Dear Diary,_ **

**_He was outside playing football with Shane today and he smiled at me. I know he doesn’t see me as a real girl, not like all the hot girls who want him, but it still feels good every time he notices me._ **

**_I wish there was a pill I could take to turn it off, but he’s the only one I ever think of and I can’t help it._ **

**_Merle Dixon is so far out of my reach, it’s such sweet agony._ **

“Wow,” she winced, closing the coil bound journal and setting it down on the shag carpet. Joe felt bad for the girl she had been, that girl thought nothing of herself and put all of her hopes into a boy who would never want her when he was sober. She felt bad for the girl and yet it was clear that the girl was still inside her somewhere. Joe wondered how he had managed to see her so differently when he was shit-faced.

She picked up a few certificates she’d won as a girl and then came across a picture of her with that French braid, braces on her teeth, and a pony sweater.

“Oh my God,” she groaned. “You really were something, Josephine.”

She almost wanted to burn the diaries, they were so cringe-inducing and sad.

**_Dear Diary,_ **

**_It’s been a week and I’ll never stop crying, I wish he’d never touched me at all because now I know what it feels like and I wish I didn’t. Why did he have to walk into that room and burn me alive? I’ll never want another man again as long as I live._ **

**_All I can do now is hide in my room and read because every time I see him, I want to cry like an idiot…I am an idiot. I actually thought that he could want me that way, how stupid can a person be?_ **

Joe had been running from this for years, this one painful event, and she wished she could have some kind of closure. Perhaps watching Merle get married would be that closure.

Joe imagined watching him pledge his life to a woman whose face she couldn’t even imagine and realized that she still wanted it to be her. After all the years away and every attempt to distract herself from her past, she still wanted Merle Dixon, but it wasn’t going to happen.

/

Sleep came slow in the little old bed and Joe still longed for all of the things that were destroyed in the fire. They were all just objects that she could live without, she knew that intellectually, but without those things, all she had was her past.

The past was a place where she was afraid to tread, but it was all around her now. Joe was lying beneath the very quilt that Merle had pulled back to crawl on top of her. It was impossible not to think of it and yet, Merle was lying next to someone else across town. He probably didn’t even remember that night, why would he?

 

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just in case the time period wasn't clear, it was 1985 when Joe and Merle had their little interaction when he was drunk and now it's 1995 in the story, hence the reason Joe is running with a Walkman. lol

Truly Madly Deeply - Savage Garden

**_<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WQnAxOQxQIU> _ **

* * *

 

**_Sweet Agony – Chapter 4 _ **

Joe was low on clothing and headed upstairs to see if she could borrow a pair of sweatpants from Lori to go for a run. “Sure, just let me see what I have in the back of the closet, everything is maternity these days,” Lori laughed.

She was handed a pair of grey sweatpants and thanked her sister-in-law as she sat down at the kitchen table.

Her niece, Judith, was sitting in a highchair pulverizing a banana with her chubby little hand and Joe couldn’t help smiling.

“Two little ones in the house, that’s going to be pretty crazy,” she noted.

“Beautiful chaos,” Lori laughed.

“Shane already at work?”

“Yup, and then he’s going to pick up a rental suit for the wedding.”

“So, who is Merle marrying anyway?”

Joe couldn’t help asking, she needed to know.

“Gina Foster, I don’t know her that well, but she seems OK.”

Lori handed her a picture of them from the fridge and she finally lay eyes on the woman who would have Merle Dixon in the end. She was tall, blonde and perfect, of course she was.

Joe sighed and handed the picture back, she needed to run.

“Not going to have some breakfast before you go?” Lori asked.

“I’ll eat when I get back if that’s OK,” she smiled. “I need to burn off some steam.”

“OK, Sis, see you in a bit.”

Joe walked onto the road and looked up and down the street she’d grown up on. She placed her headphones on her head and slipped her Walkman into the pocket of the sweatpants.

 _**I'll be your dream, I'll be your wish, I'll be your fantasy.** _  
_**I'll be your hope, I'll be your love, be everything that you need.** _  
_**I love you more with every breath, truly madly deeply do** _

_**I will be strong, I will be faithful 'cause I'm counting on a new beginning.** _  
_**A reason for living. A deeper meaning.** _

_**I want to stand with you on a mountain.** _  
_**I want to bathe with you in the sea.** _  
_**I want to lay like this forever.** _  
_**Until the sky falls down on me** _

  
After a few minutes of warm-up she broke into a steady run and watched as pieces of her childhood passed by her view. There was the high school, a coffee shop where she used to study, a park where she and her chess friends first tried smoking, and Merle’s old house.

Sweat began to erupt on her forehead but she wasn’t stopping until she purged her mind of all the unwanted thoughts.

_Why did it have to be a Barbie doll that got to have Merle? Why was she being so anti-feminist and hating on a woman she didn’t even know? Why did she even care anymore? How could she get it to stop?_

She decided that she needed to fight it and not allow herself to act the fool over Merle Dixon again, and then she spotted Merle and Shane down at the end of the street working on someone’s yard.

She would have turned back, except that Shane spotted her coming and called her over.

Merle was in only a pair of khaki pants and her eyes fought the desire to drink in his body, he looked even better than he did at 18.

“Hey, Joe,” Shane grinned. “Still running?”

“Always running,” she grinned. “It’s the only way they won’t catch you.”

“Who you running from?” Shane smirked.

“You laugh now, but when the zombies come, I’ll be the one who gets away.”

“Still into that sci-fi stuff, Joe?” Merle commented.

“Some things never change,” she noted, unsure what to say.

“Hey, while you’re here, Gina was wondering if you wanted to go to her bachelorette party,” Merle mentioned.

“But we’ve never even met,” Joe laughed. “She doesn’t have to have me there.”

“Half the women in town are gonna be there and when I told her we were old friends she said I should ask you. Go ahead and bring a friend if you want.”

“Well, I guess I’ll be there then. Tell her thanks.”

“Cool, I’ll see you tonight then,” Merle said, before turning to get back to work.

“Tonight?”

“Merle and Gina are coming over for supper,” Shane added.

“Great,” Joe smiled, wondering if she was being tortured for something. “I better get moving. See you later.”

Joe cranked up her music again and sighed as she got back into her groove. Running only helped so much and by the time she was back at her old house standing in the basement shower, she realized that she’d need to get herself together somehow.

She was going to be sitting at the same table as Gina soon and she wasn’t about to let anyone know that she was a bit of a mess inside. Maybe it was losing all of her personal possessions that was throwing her off-kilter, but she hated it either way. Ever since she left Madison, she had kept it all together, and never let herself become weak.

_Why was this happening now? Why was she pouring over the very recent memory of his half-naked body in the sunlight?_

/

Joe volunteered to look after Judith so that Lori could take a nap after her shower and lay back on the couch watching cartoons with the toddler.

Judith was sat on her belly as she held her hands to keep her stable. Joe pulled faces at her niece to make her laugh and pretended to eat her little toes with growly bear noises. It had been a million years since she did something like this with a child, but as a teen she had been the most popular babysitter in town. There was a time of day that she thought she’d have a bunch of kids, but that was back when she was still planning a fantasy wedding with Merle Dixon, back when she was 16.

Being in Madison was a lot harder than she expected, she felt vulnerable and a little lost ever since pulling up in her brother’s driveway and she hated it.

“Stay little, Judith,” she sighed. “It only gets more complicated the older you get.”

Judith looked at her quizzically, so Joe went back to blowing raspberries on the soles of her tiny feet.

/

Joe went shopping on Main St. late that afternoon after deciding that she needed more than one small suitcase of clothing for the month. She brought her mother along and wondered if she knew about her crush on Merle, surely a mother would have noticed it.

“I’m so happy to have you here for so long, Joe,” her mother sighed as they wandered from store to store.

“It’s strange being back here, so much has changed and yet it still looks the same.”

“It’s nice that you’ll be here for the wedding.”

“Uh huh,” she shrugged.

“Will you ever get married, honey?”

“I don’t know…I haven’t met anyone I want to spend my whole life with yet.”

“You will, someday you’ll find just the right person for you and you’ll know it.”

“How?”

“Cause nobody else will do, I still feel that way for your father. Nobody else compares to him and nobody ever will.”

“That’s sweet,” she smiled. “Maybe someday I’ll have that too, but I don’t know.”

“Just keep your eyes open, honey. They might already be right in front of you,” she insisted.

Joe found the statement strange but decided not to dwell on it. The idea of meeting someone marriage worthy sounded like a pipe-dream so she brushed it away from her thoughts.

They wandered all afternoon, buying new underwear, work clothes, a few outfits for running and a few pairs of shoes. Joe picked up a dress to wear for Merle’s fiance’s party and sighed to herself as she tried it on for her dad, back at her parent’s place.

“You look gorgeous, my girl,” her father smiled.

His new lopsided smile was just as genuine and warm as ever and she was grateful that he was still with them. Nobody expected him to have a stroke at such a young age, and it made time seem so fleeting; a cruel thief that robs everyone of their former selves.

She stayed for a few hours and spent most of that time with her head resting on her father’s shoulder looking at old photos and trying not to weep. Seeing him in family pictures from her youth, chasing Shane around playing football made her sad but she didn’t want to show it to her father, so she kept her gaze on the photo album rather than his face.

She realized on the way back to Shane’s house that there was still something there, something in her heart for Merle but she couldn’t let it out.

No matter what she did, she was going to keep it classy and not let a single soul know that it bothered her. She would call Jacqui and pour out her heart if she needed to whine about it, but she would keep her shit together in Madison if it killed her.

 

 


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two chapters today, cause why not?  
> lol Also, I decided to take back my old writing name. I missed being Magenta's Nightmare, it's the name I had originally back in 2015 and I only gave it up when I was having privacy concerns IRL.

 No One's Gonna Love You - Band of Horses

<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KoQy_p3vNb8>

**_ Sweet Agony – Chapter 5 _ **

Joe pulled on a pair of new dark wash jeans and a black t-shirt with a grey cardigan overtop. She wasn’t going out of her way to draw any attention to herself, she honestly didn’t want to be at this dinner at all. Two happy couples and just her and the baby, how sad.

Joe helped Lori get the spaghetti dinner ready and made garlic toast in the oven. When she saw a red truck pull up in the driveway, she took a deep breath and was determined to pull it together.

Merle walked in a moment later with a woman who was easily four inches taller than her.

“Hey, you must be Joe, or do you prefer Josephine?” the new woman asked.

“Just Joe is fine,” she smiled.

“I heard what happened to your home, I’m so sorry. It must be horrible to lose all of those personal things,” she winced.

“It really is, I know it’s just material, but certain things can’t be replaced.”

Joe was even more distraught to discover that not only was Gina beautiful, but she was also kind and compassionate…she was the whole package that Merle deserved. Joe wanted to hate her, but she couldn’t.

/

Joe ate and chatted with her brother and sister-in-law, trying to avoid eye contact and conversation with Merle and Gina but not in an unpolite way. It just hurt to look at them.

Joe resorted to pulling faces at Judith to keep her entertained and handed her little pieces of food. There was something about being around Juditha that made her feel broody and that was a new thing for her. The interaction with Judith was pure and genuine, no games or nonsense, just love and happiness. Joe missed the days when she was around babies all the time as a babysitter now and wondered if motherhood could be in the cards for her someday…maybe being back home was a reset for her. It felt like she was turning over a large stone and discovering a whole world going on beneath it. She was kissing her niece’s chubby little fingers when she was brought back into adult conversation by Merle’s fiancé.

“Merle said you'd come to the bachelorette party,”  she smiled.

“If you're sure, don’t feel obligated,” she hesitated.

“Don’t be silly, I’d love for you to come. It’s next Friday at Bobby’s Place.”

“I’ll be there, thanks,” she smiled weakly. Joe was in some kind of hell.

Gina walked to Merle’s truck after dinner and Joe looked up to the stars as if to beg the Lord for relief. Merle lingered back with her a moment and she couldn't help feeling glad that he did.

“Still can’t believe you’re here,” he said softly. “I’m really sorry about what happened to you.”

“Thanks…going to be a while before life feels normal again. I  know it’s just stuff, but it’s like the last ten years didn’t happen now…there’s no physical trace of it.”

“You always did have a way with words, Joe,” he smiled.

“How do you mean?”

“You used to write for the school paper, I always read the parts you wrote.”

“You did?”

“Yeah, you wrote poems and articles. I always liked how you put words together.”

“I had no idea,” she almost whispered.

“You don’t look anything like you used to,” he noted then.

“I guess that’s a good thing.”

“Nah, you can pull off both looks, Joe. Some people are just beautiful no matter what.”

She winced then, and it was like being killed with kindness and then left to bleed to death as he smiled and walked away to meet his fiancé.

 _Was he trying to hurt her?_ Of course not, Merle Dixon wasn’t like that and she knew it.

Joe walked back inside the house with a heavy sigh and found Shane sitting at the kitchen table. Lori was tending to Judith and Shane was sipping his last beer of the evening.

“Hey, Sis.”

“Hey.”

“You gonna be OK?”

“Sure, why?”

“You look down, is it just the fire still getting you down.”

“Yeah…and it’s a little strange to be back here.”

“I was thinking about the last time we both lived here actually,” he said, and she could tell that he wanted to unburden himself.

“You were?”

“I was really awful to you, Joe.”

“Don’t worry about it, Shane, we were just kids then.”

“No, you could have really used a decent big brother back then…things were hard for you and I know that.”

“Shane-”

“It’s just that now I’m a father to a little girl and if anyone treated her the way I treated you, I’d kick their ass.”

“You’re a good dad, Shane, and you’re a good brother. I’m not carrying that stuff around with me and neither should you. OK?”

“OK. So, you forgive me?”

“Of course I do.”

He hugged her then and she smiled to herself with her head resting on his big shoulder. The new baby coming was getting him emotional and she found it sweet.

“Merle sure was excited that you were coming back,” Shane added as he let her go.

“Oh yeah?”

“By the way he was talking, Gina thought you two were an item back in the day.”

“Weird. When we were kids, he hardly seemed to notice me.”

“No way, Merle always had a soft spot for you,” Shane insisted as he wrapped up leftovers to place in the fridge.

“It’s all news to me,” she shrugged.

/

Back in her little spare room downstairs, Joe tried to make sense of what Merle said to her. He looked at her so differently now.

She didn’t want to, but she dissected every word and all of his body language the way she did at 16. If he moved this way it meant X, if he said this it meant Y; it was ridiculous.

/

“She seems nice,” Gina smiled as she pulled her top over her head.

“She is, I just can’t believe how different she looks.”

“What did she look like before?”

Merle thought about it for a moment and saw her there in his mind like it was yesterday. The memory he saw was always Joe standing at the bus stop in a baby blue sweater with a kitten on the front. Her crazy dark hair was in the standard French braid and she was mouthing the words to a song on her Walkman. Merle remembered wanting to ask her if she wanted a lift that day but didn’t do it. You just didn’t mess with your best friend’s little sister; it wasn’t how the guy code worked.

He drove past her slow and she didn’t even see him, she was in her own little world that day.

“Well?” Gina pressed.

“She was kinda…I don’t know how to put it without it sounding wrong. She was a nerd, and she had no dress sense at all, but there was something really pretty about her still.”

“She sure dresses nice now,” Gina noted.

“Yeah, she’s so different, but still kinda the same…it’s hard to explain.”

“And you two were good friends?”

“Not technically, she was just Shane’s kid sister, but she was always around. Shane was really mean to her and I used to jump in and defend her if I heard it.”

“Such a hero,” Gina purred and draped her arms around his neck to kiss him.

“I try,” he winked. “All of this feels like only yesterday now.”

“Hey, you. Enough about the past now…take me to bed,” she pouted.

“If I must,” he played along.

“I need to be up early for my week back in the big A, so gimme some action while I’m here,” she grinned.

Merle was still thinking of Joe as he was pulled into bed that night. Seeing her again brought up the past like it was yesterday.

 

 


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The episode of friends where Rachael wears the ridiculous bridesmaid dress aired in 1996 and this takes place in 1995...just gimme this one;) lol   
> It was the only way to describe the dress I pictured in my head.

**_ Sweet Agony – Chapter 6 _ **

”Joe!”

Her eyes shot open to the sound of Lori calling her from up the basement stairs.

“Yes?”

“Sorry, I can barely do these stairs anymore. There’s a call for you.”

Joe got up and grabbed a housecoat to see who would call her at her brother’s place.

She took the phone and simultaneously nodded to Lori who was motioning the offer of coffee to her.

“Hello?”

“Hey, Joe.”

“Merle?”

“Yeah, what are you up to?”

“I just got out of bed…so nothing, I guess.”

“I have a huge favour to ask you, but I want you to feel free to say no.”

“What is it?”

“Two of Gina’s bridesmaids just dropped out of the wedding and she’s all upset now that she won’t have the right number of bridesmaids…I’m such an asshole to ask you this.”

“It’s OK. I’ll do it if she wants me to…but I don’t really know her very well, are you sure that’s what she wants?”

“She says it’s fine, but I have to get you into one of the awful dresses she chose before the wedding.”

Joe could hear him cringe over the line and she knew it would hurt to be involved and yet she wanted to be around him still; a strange kind of masochism.

“I can do it if it will help you on your big day…what are friends for?”

“Can I pick you up in an hour to see about this dress thing? She’s out of town for the next week for work and I promised her I’d get all the last-minute things finished up.”

“A whole week?”

“She’s in Atlanta for a real estate conference.”

“Oh, she’s a real estate agent?”

“Yep.”

“Maybe she can find me a new home in Atlanta,” Joe joked, prompting a hearty laugh from Merle.

“Maybe she can, so an hour is enough time? Were you going for a run?”

“I’ll go later, it’s all good.”

Joe was definitely in hell.

/

An hour later, Joe stood on the front curb of her old house in jeans and a black sleeveless top with buttons waiting for her teenage crush.

Merle pulled up right on time in his red truck and leaned across the seat to open the passenger door.

“I am so sorry to ask you this,” he groaned.

“Standing still holding flowers in a goofy dress never killed anyone,” she smiled.

“You haven’t seen this dress yet.”

“Is it really that bad?”

“Well…”

/

The dress was almost a replica of the ugly bridesmaid dress that Rachael had to wear in Friends. It was hung up in his closet at home next to two other identically ridiculous dresses.

“No really, where is the dress?” she shuddered.

“You’re almost the exact same size as her cousin…except in the bust?” he fumbled. “The other one is probably three sizes too big for you so this one is closer except in the uh…bust.”

There was nothing more adorable than Merle Dixon stumbling around the subject of breast size.

“Huh?”

“We might have to let it out a little,” he explained.

“So, I have to put on an ugly pink puffy dress that won’t fit my boobs?” she laughed.

“I can get it altered. I’m so sorry.”

“Let’s see how bad this is,” she rolled her eyes and carried the dress into his bathroom.

The dress was fine except for the bust as Merle noted and it was truly a stupid looking dress, but she had to laugh anyway.

Joe walked out of the bathroom and asked if he could get the zipper done up at the back.

She turned her back to him and held her hair up off her neck, showing a little of her bra strap and feeling odd about it.

Merle pulled the zipper up, but it was definitely not the look his fiancé would want at the wedding.

“Jesus!” Merle almost choked when she turned around to see her breasts almost spilling from the cups of the dress.

“I’m gonna go out on a limb here and presume this isn’t the look she wanted….Merle?”

His eyes were glued to her chest and she shook her head with mock annoyance.

“Eyes up here, buddy, you’re a married man.”

“Not yet, I ain’t.”

“Merle!”

“Sorry. So how much do I tell them to let it out?” he asked.

“An inch and a half at least, but maybe go with 2 inches, we don’t need all this in the wedding photos….Merle?”

He just couldn't keep his eyes on her face to save his life.

“Yeah, of course. Sorry.”

She didn’t want to love the way he was looking at her, his eyes blazing over her skin, but she did.

_How could she possibly stop the way her heart raced when he was near her?_

It was like no time had passed and she was that girl again, despite the fact that it would probably leave her hurt; that fact wasn’t lost on her for a moment.

Joe took off the dress and changed back into her clothes. It was hard to imagine standing only a few feet from him as he repeated vows to another woman, but this was probably the closure she needed. Maybe she could go back to Atlanta and actually fall for someone the way she wanted to. Joe wanted to be desperate for someone the way she was for Merle, she wanted to need someone like air to the point that nobody else would do.

“You can say no, I wouldn’t blame you,” he insisted when she handed back the dress for alterations.

“I said it’s OK, and I mean it,” she smiled. “I want your big day to be perfect, you deserve that.”

“Ahhhh, ain’t you just the sweetest?” he grinned.

“Shut up.”

“No really, thank you, Joe. You already got so much going on with that fire and I hate to ask for favours.”

“It’s nothing.”

“So…what are you up to now?”

“No idea. Without work, I’m a little lost for what to do. I spend an inordinate amount of time playing peek-a-boo with Judith these days,” she laughed.

“She’s the cutest, isn’t she? I can’t wait to have a field full of kids,” he sighed.

“I didn’t think I wanted kids any time soon, but Judith is changing my mind.”

“Really? Big time career woman wants a baby?” he teased.

“It’s going to sound crazy, but it’s like the fire was a good thing for me.”

“Really?”

“I think maybe I’ve been running on auto-pilot for a while…I think I needed to stop and get away from everything to think about what I really want. I do want to be a mother someday.”

“You’ll be an incredible mother, Joe.”

“You think?” she smiled.

“You were always babysitting when we were younger, and you haven’t lost your touch at all, Judith adores you.”

“Thanks, Merle. Now I guess I just need to find a husband,” she sighed and reached for her purse awkwardly.

She didn’t have any more reason to be with another woman’s fiancé, so she presumed he’d be driving her home.

“Just promise me you won’t settle,” he said then and there was something very serious in his tone that surprised her.

“Settle?”

“You deserve only the best, Joe, so make sure whoever you choose loves you for all the right reasons.”

“I’ll do my best,” she smiled. “How did you meet Gina anyway? She’s not from around here.”

“It’s embarrassing.”

“OK, you have to tell me now,” Joe chuckled.

“I met her from posting a singles ad in the paper…I got a little desperate, I guess. This city is only so big and anyone who lives here who liked me would have dated me by now.”

“Hey, I’m not judging,” she assured him. “I can’t imagine you not finding anyone here though, you were never without a girlfriend if I recall correctly.”

“They all got married while I was busy getting the business off the ground with your brother. With him having Lori, I took over and did the lion’s share for a while and just didn’t make the time to work on that kind of thing for myself.”

“That’s a shame.”

“It’s all good. Your brother is the best friend I ever had, and he was so happy I wanted him to have more time with Lori and Judith.”

“You’re a good friend.”

“Gina’s from Atlanta and she agreed to come here to be with me, but I know she doesn’t like it.”

“No?”

“She’s always saying she wants to go back, but I love it here.”

“Hope you can work that out,” Joe shrugged.

“This will be a great place to raise the kids,” Merle noted.

“At least you’re on the same page about kids.”

“I think we are anyway,” he laughed.

“You haven’t discussed that?” Joe laughed.

“Well, we’ve only known each other for four months so…”

“That’s quick.”

“Yeah, it’s kinda scary actually, but it just happened.”

Joe didn’t want to sound unsupportive, but it sounded like a really questionable move to her.

“If you’re sure she’s the one then it will work,” she said.

“How do you know if somebody is the one?”

Joe knew the answer to this question because she was looking at ‘the one’ and although she’d deny that to others if asked, she couldn’t deny it to herself anymore.

“You know it’s the one when nothing matters except their happiness…you’d put yourself through hell to make them smile. When you find the right person for you, nobody else is even on your radar, you have tunnel vision and you could never see yourself happy unless they’re with you…stuff like that,” she added to make it seem a little less intense at the end.

He stood silently before her, taking in every word thoughtfully and she wished she had stuck to “you just know” as a response because she felt like she had just confessed her feelings to him, she felt exposed.

“You always had a way with words, Joe,” he said finally.

She wanted to ask him if that’s the way he felt for Gina and remind him not to settle as well, but she didn’t.

“Any chance you’d help me with a couple of other wedding things this week?” he broached.

“Sure,” she smiled, knowing that it would be painful, like slowly pulling off a band-aid, but she also felt like she needed this to finally let it go.

 

 


	7. Chapter 7

**_ Sweet Agony – Chapter 7 _ **

 

Joe stuck Judith in a jogging stroller and took her for a run after supper that night. Lori looked like she needed a break with Shane and Joe needed fresh air and the open road. 

Merle had taken her for a cup of coffee after the dress fiasco and talked a little more about Gina. It didn’t sound quite right to her, but she was hardly an authority on serious relationships. Merle had asked her to marry him after Shane pressed him about settling down. He wanted what Shane and Lori had and said he wasn’t getting any younger. If he wanted a bunch of kids, then he had to get moving on it. It sounded very much to Joe like he was settling but she didn’t feel right saying so.

She ran until she felt calmer and then stopped at the school park with Judith for a moment.

“Why does this stuff have to be so confusing?” she asked of the toddler.

“Ma…Mmm!” Judith demanded when she wanted to be picked up and Joe couldn’t help laughing.

“You’re right, you know? People need to just speak and say what they want. They just need to say “up” when they want up, you’re absolutely right, but it’s so damn hard to speak sometimes.”

Judith rested her head on Joe’s shoulder and said nothing, there was nothing to say.

/

The next day, Merle was tasked with ordering flowers and the cake after work, but he looked wrecked to Joe.

“You OK?”

“Ugh…up all night having a battle with Gina,” he chuckled.

“Ahhh,” she said, unsure if she should inquire what it was about, but he elaborated on his own.

“I mentioned kids…and I don’t think we see eye to eye on that one.”

“She doesn’t want a family?”

“She says she’s not thinking about it right now…she’s 25 so she wants to wait until her career is more established in like 6-8 years, but I’ll be almost 40 by then.”

“I wish I knew a way around that, but this isn’t my area of expertise.”

“And she’s worried about living in Madison now too because the real estate market is so small compared to Atlanta…why is she bringing this up now?”

“No idea, couldn’t she commute though? It’s only an hour away.”

“She says the city is more interesting…I’m pretty sure she just wants us to live there instead but I always imagined raising a family here.”

“I hope you can smooth it over before the wedding…it will just add stress to the day if you don’t,” Joe said. She had no idea what the right thing to say was.

“Aren’t weddings supposed to be nice romantic days? I just have a screaming headache and a list of shit to do,” he chuckled.

“I’m no wedding expert,” she shrugged.

They stopped by the florist and Merle handed over the list of flowers that Gina liked.

They were shown some arrangements and he agreed to whatever the florist recommended, saying that flowers didn't really matter to him.

“I don’t even like cut flowers,” Merle sighed.

“No?”

“Nah, I prefer them in the ground where they belong. All these flowers are just dying,” he said, drawing a look of annoyance from the florist.

“I’m a landscaper so I prefer planting them to make things look nice,” Merle added.

“That makes sense.”

“You wanna help me pick cake or are you done with this nonsense?” he asked.

“If you want me tagging along, I’m happy to help, I have nothing else to do right now.”

“Thanks.”

They got into his truck then to head to the bakery and she started to think of her plans when she got back to Atlanta, she couldn’t let her mind get trapped in Madison forever.

“I wish I knew when this insurance thing would be resolved, I need to find a new place to live soon,” she groaned.

“Do you like Atlanta?” he asked.

“It’s OK, there’s a lot to do and a good job market.”

“You seeing anyone there?” he asked.

“Not currently.”

“Bet you got non-stop men chasing you,” he winked.

“Nothing serious, I work a lot, but I’m starting to think I should slow down. Being here reminds me that I used to have time to think straight,” she laughed.

The car went silent then and his face looked serious all of a sudden.

“You, being here reminds me of that one night that I…assaulted you. I never apologized to you properly for that. I really am sorry, Joe.”

Joe was stunned to hear the way that he viewed the event, his face looked overtaken by guilt at the very mention of it.

“You didn’t assault me.”

“I was drunk out of my mind and you were so innocent, I still can’t believe I did that. I should have told you I was sorry properly at the time, but I was so dumb back then.”

“Merle…I-”

Joe stopped herself then, she wasn’t about to stand as a bridesmaid at his wedding after confessing to him that she wanted him to touch her back then and still did. She couldn’t do that to herself.

“What?”

“I never saw it that way, Merle. You don’t need to feel guilty about it. I know it was just a mistake.”

“The way I went about it was a complete mistake, but I did want to kiss you if I’m being honest.”

“Stop,” she chuckled, rolling her eyes.

“I did.”

“You had every cheerleader in that school chasing you around. I was a dork in a kitten sweater with braces who wrote sad poetry.”

“There was something about you, Joe. I know other people didn’t see it, but I did.”

She was on the verge of tears, then when she remembered the lonely girl she’d been then, but she refused to let him see it. Joe starred out the window of the truck and wiped the corner of her eye discreetly. Thankfully, Merle’s eyes never left the road as he continued to speak.

“Whenever I think of you, I see you standing at the bus stop at 16, mouthing the words to a song on your Walkman,” he said.

“What?”

“It’s just a memory I have of you and it’s really clear. You were always around so I have lots of memories of you but this one is just really crisp in my head.”

“Just me standing at a bus stop?” she pressed.

“I was thinking about stopping to offer you a lift, but I could never do that.”

“Why?”

“Your brother would have killed me. I know he was an asshole to you then, but he was also very protective. You just looked like nothing in the world mattered that day, you were lost in the music by the look of it. I liked that you never looked like you were trying to get attention while all the other girls were leaving nothing to the imagination.”

“I did like my animal sweaters back then,” she mused with a little grin.

“Whatever you were doing worked for me, but like I said, Shane would have kicked my ass. I felt like he didn’t think I was good enough for you, maybe I wasn’t.”

“This is all news to me.”

“Guess it doesn’t matter now, but no girl ever looked that cute in a kitten sweater or pulled off a “braces lisp” the way you did, Joe.”

“Shut up!” she giggled.

“I ain’t kidding, I really liked it.”

She wanted to tell him that she worshipped the ground he walked on, but he was the one getting married, not her. Joe was many things: a workaholic, and a serial dater who avoided commitment, but she wasn’t a person who tried to take another woman’s man. It wasn’t right to say anything like that now; it was too late now. Besides, Merle was talking about feelings from years ago, in the present, he was marrying Gina and that was what she had to face.

/

Merle sat before a plate of tiny pieces of cake and frowned.

“I’m more of a pie kind of guy.”

“Is there anything about weddings you actually like?” she chuckled.

“Booze? The chicken dance?”

“Lord help us if you play that song. I am not dancing like a chicken in that dress.”

“Now I have to play it.”

He picked up the first piece to taste it and thought about it for a moment.

“Sweet. You try one.”

“If you don’t like cake, then shouldn’t she be doing this?”

“She’s too busy.”

“What kind does she like?”

“No idea. Come to think of it, I don’t know very many of her favourite things.”

“You two need to play 20 questions.”

Joe tried a chocolate piece with hazelnut icing and groaned in delight.

“Mmmmmm….this one is so good,” she grinned with her mouth still full.

“Yeah?”

“Uh huh.”

She picked up the other identical piece and offered it to him, as he opened his mouth.

“Oh yeah…it’s like Nutella or something.”

“I don’t know how traditional chocolate cake is for a wedding, but it’s good,” she added.

“I actually like it. I’m picking this one thing and she can like it or lump it,” he chuckled.

“You wearing a tux to this shindig?” she asked.

“Yep, and I’m not impressed with it. I just wanted to wear a nice suit.”

She wanted to tell him that this was a runaway train that he had no say in. Joe wanted to scream to him that she loved him and that she’d stay with him in Madison and have a ‘field full of babies’ and let him have pie at the wedding…but she couldn’t.

/

Joe needed a moment of peace in the madness, so she stopped by to have a cup of coffee with her father after the cake tasting.

“You OK?” he asked.

“Yeah, just strange being here.”

“How’s Merle doing?” he smiled.

“Good. Why?”

“You two are thick as thieves these days,” he noted.

“He just needs help with the wedding,” she explained.

“Uh huh. I don’t like his fiancé,” her dad winked. “Don’t tell anyone though.”

“I won’t,” she laughed. “Why don’t you like her anyway?”

“He’s not himself with her. Merle is like a son to me after all those years as a kid eating all the food in my fridge,” he chuckled. “I know who he really is, and he’s not that person when he’s with her.”

“You think so?” she mused.

Joe’s father was a man who could always read people, so she knew he must be right.

“I know so, and I know something else. When you’re with the right person, they never want you to be anyone but yourself. If he’s acting differently then they probably aren’t a good match.”

“You know everything, don’t you, dad?”

“Yup,” he grinned. “I really want to see you happy, honey…and Merle too.”

It felt like he was saying something while not actually saying it and she simply nodded her head like she understood the message. She had a good idea of the meaning, but it felt like saying it out loud would make it too real.

 


	8. Chapter 8

**_ Till I Hear it From You - Gin Blossoms _ **

**_ <https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sg37BR_Qfik> _ **

 

 

**_ Sweet Agony – Chapter 8 _ **

Joe was spending some time with Judith the next day while Lori was at a doctor’s checkup and trying not to think of Merle when she got a call from the insurance company.

“Everything is settled in your claim, Miss Walsh. You were covered for your suite and all the contents so if you can come to the city and sign the paperwork, we’ll be able to process things for you.”

“Oh, thank God! That’s great news, thank you!”

She had heard horror stories of dealing with insurance, so this was unexpected and happy news. Joe would be able to get going on finding a new place and maybe get back to her life sooner before she snapped. Being with Merle was killing her more by the day and it was becoming a challenge to keep her mouth shut. She’d be attending Gina’s bachelorette party soon and was dreading it like a root canal.

She waited for Lori to get home and said that she needed to head into the city.

“Anything you need, sis?” she asked.

“Would it be a huge problem to pick me up something a little personal?”

“Anything, what is it?”

“There’s a breast pump I really liked using with Judith but mine is missing a piece and I need a new one. They don’t sell them in this one-horse town though.”

“It’s no big deal but you’ll need to write down all the details cause I know as much about breast pumps as most men,” she laughed.

“You’re an angel, Joe. Thanks.“

“It’s all good.”

Joe got cleaned up and stopped at the gas station to fill up before hitting the highway.

“Hey!” Shane called as he headed out of the convenience store.

“Hey, just heading to Atlanta, anything you need?”

“Nah, I’m good. What are you going for?”

“The insurance went through so I need to sign some paperwork.”

“You aren’t leaving right away, are you?”

“No, I still have some time off and I think it’s doing me good to be here if it’s OK with you and Lori.”

“We love having you here, Joe. Stay as long as you can.”

“Plus, I said I’d be in Merle’s wedding so there’s that too.”

“Right. So, you buying a new place in the city soon?”

“That’s the plan.”

“You gonna be settling down soon, Sis?”

“Are you pushing me into marriage at a gas station?” she laughed. “You gotta make everyone settle down, hey?”

“What do you mean?”

“Nothing, just Merle mentioned that you wanted him to settle down and then next  thing he knew he was engaged.”

“Well, you can’t argue with those results, right?” he grinned.

“I guess not.”

“So, go find yourself a husband.”

“I’ll get right on that,” she placated. “I better get going.”

“See you later.”

The highway stretched out ahead of her and she sang along to her music.

_**It gets hard when memory's faded** _   
_**And who gets what the say** _   
_**It's likely they're just jealous and jaded** _   
_**Or maybe** _

 

_**I don't want to take advice from fools** _   
_**I'll just figure everything is cool** _   
_**Until I hear it from you (hear it from you)** _

She still couldn’t believe that Merle had seen her the way he described as a teenager. She had been sure that she was invisible to him then. Joe couldn’t help feeling like things were happening according to some plan, her life felt formulaic lately.

In the city, she started to feel like her old self and stopped for lunch with Jacqui after signing the paperwork with the insurance company.

“So, did you see your old flame?” Jacqui teased.

“It’s so much worse than that, I’m helping him arrange his wedding to another woman?”

“What?”

“She’s in the city for work and he asked me…I couldn’t say no.”

“Man, that’s a little twisted.”

“The thing is…I don’t think this woman he’s marrying is right for him. They barely even know each other, and they don’t want any of the same things in life.”

“It’s almost like he should be with someone else,” Jacquie teased. “But who could possibly be right for him? Hmmm?”

“Shut up! I’m not even saying that necessarily…am I? Damn, this is too much for me right now.”

“Take it easy, Joe. If you genuinely think he won’t be happy then maybe you should say something.”

“There’s no way I can do that. I’d lose my mind if I was marrying someone and a woman I don’t even know was trying to talk him out of it.”

“True…but he’s the one you care for, not her.”

“I can’t. If he decides it’s not right for him then that’s fine, but I can't step in like that. He even said he kinda liked me when we were younger and I was so close to telling him everything, but I just can’t.”

“You’re a stronger woman than I am, Josephine.”

“Ugh, I better get going, I need to buy a breast pump.”

“Kinky.”

“It’s for my sister in law, you pervert,” she laughed.

“When will you be back in the big A, Joe? I miss you and you have the insurance now?”

“I need to stay in Madison for this wedding, I agreed to be a bridesmaid.”

“What?”

“I know…don’t even say it. I know.”

“Good luck with all this, girl. Don’t be a stranger.”

“You got it. I’ll call you this week with all the sordid details of my hometown mess,” she chuckled.

/

Joe picked up the device Lori needed and eyed it like an alien piece of technology on the seat beside her. She had agreed to meet Merle the next day to interview DJs and wondered which way was up in her world now.

Not long ago everything made sense, and now she was confused beyond repair.

Joe arrived back home to find Merle and Shane drinking beer and playing cards at the kitchen table.

She carried the breast pump in and set it on the kitchen counter for Lori.

“You’re a lifesaver, Joe.”

“Don’t worry about it,” she smiled. “How much longer till this new baby comes?” she asked.

“Three or four weeks, I can’t even remember right now…I put my car keys in the freezer this week. I have terrible mommy brain,” Lori laughed.

“Sounds fun,” Joe grinned.

“Heard you got your insurance money,” Merle noted.

“Yep, I’m all set now to look for a new home.”

“In Atlanta?” he asked.

“Yes?” Joe laughed. “That is where I work after all.”

“True.”

“Well, I’m going to go downstairs and get some rest, been a long day.”

“Goodnight, Sis.”

“Goodnight all,” she smiled.

Joe still had feelings for Merle, but she had to keep some kind of distance between them. Nothing good could come from playing with fire.

Downstairs, she pulled out a newspaper she picked up in Atlanta and started pouring over the ads for condos sales.

She changed into a pair of boxer shorts and a tank top and spread out on the twin mattress to circle the ones that looked promising and hummed a tune to herself.

“Joe?”

She bit her lip when she heard Merle calling her ten minutes later from the other side of the door, they seemed to be magnetized to each other since she arrived.

“Come in.”

The last time he’d walked into this room with her in it, it ended in passionate kissing and the memory was fresh.

“Hey…you OK?”

“Sure, why do you ask?”

“Just thought maybe you were hiding down here from me.”

“Why would I do that?”

“I don’t know…I keep dragging you into this wedding thing and stealing all your time when you could be hanging out with your family?”

“Hey, I don’t mind helping out and I have plenty of time with them. I like spending time with you.”

“Me too…I feel like I can be myself with you,” he sighed. “Can I sit for a minute?”

“Of course, come on in.”

She sat up on the bed and pulled a blanket over her lap to cover her bare legs.

“Something wrong?” she asked when he just sat on a chair in the corner and looked at his hands.

“I called Gina last night at her hotel and some guy answered.”

“What?”

“He works with her and she said they were just having a drink…she says I’m being small-towny to think there’s anything going on. Is that normal in the city?”

“I never had a boyfriend have a drink with a co-worker in their actual hotel room before. I dated a bartender who would have a drink with women he worked with at the bar where they worked sometimes but this…”

She saw the worry in his eye then and tried to fix her statement.

“I’m sure it’s nothing.”

“I don’t know why I’m bothering you with this…I guess I just feel like I can tell you and you won’t think I’m nuts.”

“You can come to me with anything, Merle. What are friends for?” she smiled.

“You’re special, Joe…there’s nobody like you.”

“Well,” she smiled, “thanks…you too.”

Merle looked down at the floor of the room and noted the three boxes.

“Is that all that survived the fire?”

“That’s it. Just some photos, certificates, old diaries…books.”

“Diaries?” he grinned, and her heart sank.

“Don’t even think of it,” she laughed to ease the tension.

“What did you write about as a kid?” he asked.

“That’s a secret,” she said softly. “Maybe I’ll tell you someday.”

“Why not now?” he pressed.

“I just can't.”

“Alright, alright.”

Merle thanked her for the chat and agreed that he must be worrying about nothing, even though she could still read the doubt in his eyes and left her to her newspaper.

When she lay down that night, the urge to let her mind be with him was too real to fight.

She imagined him at the door again, only now she pictured him as the man he was. She wanted him there with her, for Gina to not be in the picture and for him to take her. Joe allowed her mind to wander and also her hands.

Nothing stood between them in her head, he was on top of her again, taking her face in his hands and filling her mouth with his tongue. She could feel the thrusting of his hips between her legs again, just like it was yesterday. Her fingers drifted down to the place that yearned for his attention, for his touch. Her breath came in and out slow and she found herself wet for another woman’s man in only moments. Her left leg slumped over the side of the little twin mattress and her right lay open at the knee as the feeling crept up inside her.

Joe could envision him naked in her mind, his body muscular and hard but still warm to the touch.

The first flutter of release drew a soft moan from her lips, and she strained her head back on the pillow, pretending he was kissing her throat with open-mouth passionate kisses again as he had on that night.

It flooded her then and she whined, turning her head to the side to moan into the pillow, a fruitless effort to stifle the sound of pleasure.

Soft panting was all that remained as her eyes focused on the light fixture over her head in the dark.

_Get out of my head if I can never have you…please…_

 


	9. Chapter 9

**_ Eternal Flame - The Bangles _ **

**_ <https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PSoOFn3wQV4> _ **

 

* * *

 

**_ Sweet Agony – Chapter 9  _ **

Joe met Merle at the town hall where he would be marrying Gina in a week and listened to some of the worst local bands and DJs around.

“Jesus, they’re all really bad,” he laughed hysterically.

“Yup, almost painful in fact.”

The next candidate walked in and Joe couldn’t stop laughing at his loud plaid suit and curly grey hair.

“Hey there, folks! I’m Max and this wedding is gonna be the most happening party in town if you hire me! Guaranteed!”

He set up his equipment and started playing some music from the 80s, from back when Joe was first crushing on Merle and it hit her hard.

_**Close your eyes, give me your hand, darling** _   
_**Do you feel my heart beating** _   
_**Do you understand?** _   
_**Do you feel the same** _   
_**Am I only dreaming** _   
_**Is this burning an eternal flame?** _

__

_**I believe it's meant to be, darling** _   
_**I watch you when you are sleeping** _   
_**You belong with me** _   
_**Do you feel the same?** _   
_**Am I only dreaming** _   
_**Or is this burning an eternal flame?** _

__

_**Say my name** _   
_**Sun shines through the rain** _   
_**A whole life so lonely** _   
_**And then come and ease the pain** _   
_**I don't want to lose this feeling, oh...** _

 

“Joe?”

She shook her head then and looked over at him knowing she’d never really be over Merle Dixon.

“Yeah?”

“You OK?”

“This song just always gets to me.”

“You used to sing this one all the time,” he noted.

“What?”

“I could hear you through the walls sometimes when I was hanging out with your brother…I thought it was really cute.”

“Jesus,” she winced, holding her face in her hands.

“I like this guy,” Merle laughed. “Gina will lose it, but I think he’s great and he played your song.”

Joe rolled her eyes but had to agree, Max was hilarious and played good music.

“I like him too but is it worth pissing her off?” she teased.

“She’ll probably be pissed no matter who I pick.”

“When is she coming home?”

“Tomorrow evening, and then the bachelorette party is the next day.”

“Oh Christ, I forgot all about that. She’s not hiring a male stripper, is she?” Joe laughed.

“Who knows? You not into strippers?” he winked.

“Definitely not, it’s so cheesy.”

“What kind of guy do you go for anyway?”

This was the last thing she wanted to discuss with Merle, but she couldn’t think of how to dodge it.

“Just guys so far…nobody I love yet.”

“Hope you find the right man soon.”

“Me too.”

Her life was beyond absurd lately and she didn’t know what the right thing to do was anymore.

“You’re hired,” Merle smiled back at the DJ who was now playing Michael Jackson.

“Yeah? Wow! Thanks, pal! You won’t be sorry,” Max grinned.

“No problem.”

/

Merle asked to take her for supper for all of her help and took her to the best steakhouse in town.

Joe ordered a glass of wine and sipped it, feeling clobbered by life and unsure where to turn.

“You sure look down all of a sudden, you OK?”

“I’m fine, just a little tired maybe?”

“I’m running you ragged I suppose.”

“No, it’s all good.”

“I keep thinking of Gina with that guy and I feel like a jerk,”

“Why?”

“Cause even if she’s not messing around on me, I don’t know if I want to be married to someone who hangs out with other men in their hotel room. Am I being a Neanderthal?”

“I don’t think so. Some people are fine with that and some aren’t, you have a right to not be OK with it, Merle.”

“You think?”

“Of course. Could you talk to her about it?”

“Not without her calling me small-towny…maybe I am small-towny.”

“Merle…”

“What?”

“Nothing, I just hope you can work it out.”

“Me too, or this could be a disaster waiting to happen.”

They had a nice dinner together and he dropped her off at Shane’s place. Merle put the car in park under the glow of a familiar streetlamp and before she got out of the car, he asked her a strange question.

“If I had asked you when you were 16, what would you have said?”

“Asked me what?”

“If I asked you out on a date.”

Joe was sick of pretending, and it was an innocent question referring to the past anyway.

“I would have said yes,” she almost whispered.

“Really?”

“In a heartbeat, but you never asked.”

“I was a chicken, I guess. I didn’t want to lose my best friend…your house was a safe place for me.”

“I get it…are you saying you would have asked me if it weren’t for Shane?”

“Yeah. I thought about it a lot, but I just couldn’t think of a way to explain it to him. After that night I kissed you, he said he didn’t want my filthy hands on you so I told him I wasn't interested...it felt like I had to tell him that.”

Joe just shook her head softly and wished she had a time machine.

“I never would have known if you didn’t say that now…I thought I was invisible to you.”

“No, you were never invisible to me, Joe…you were just out of reach for a guy like me.”

A moment stretched out before them and she could swear that he was moving closer to her slowly when Shane walked out the front door of the house.

“There you are, Sis! Come on in, we’re playing Yahtzee!”

“Oh…I guess I better go,” Joe winced, feeling the tension between them fade.

“Yeah…can I see you tomorrow?” he asked.

“Isn’t Gina coming home?”

“Right…I forgot.”

“Goodnight.”

“Goodnight, Joe. Thanks for everything.”

“It was nothing, I’m always here if you need me.”

/

Inside the house, she was cornered into a game of Yahtzee and wanted to scream to the lord above for answers.

Joe had to face the fact that if Shane hadn’t shown up, she would have kissed Merle. She needed to do something about her life, and she needed to do it soon.

/

Merle walked through the door of his home and flopped down on the couch. Of all the people to turn up when he was finally settling down, it had to be her.

Josephine Walsh was so different now and yet she was still that same sweet girl inside. Knowing that she would have given him a chance back then made him feel so lost. Maybe she was being nice, but she didn’t seem like the type to lie, even to be polite.

He had been the town bad boy from a bad family and Joe was just what Shane described, a sweet innocent girl who was not to be touched by his filthy hands.

That night after that party drove him crazy for months and he was grateful to hear that she didn’t think he had attacked her.

The guilt of feeling like he had taken advantage mixed with the sweet memory of kissing and touching her ruined his life for a while. The way she kept her distance after that made him feel so much worse, like maybe she was scared of him or something.

Merle was so confused that when Gina called, he couldn’t even answer.

_What could he even say to her now?_

 


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> posting two chapters again today, thanks for reading! xoxo

**_ Sweet Agony – Chapter 10 _ **

Joe went for a long run the next morning and felt the weight of the world on her shoulders as she tried to outrun the past. The streets of her hometown were where ghosts of the past walked freely, and every street corner reminded her of her old self and the things she had wanted so badly back then but couldn’t have.

/

“We gotta stop by my place for a minute. I need the number of that guy who’s coming to pour cement,” Shane sighed and pulled up in the driveway with Merle next to him. “Come in for a minute, this will take some time, I’m trying to negotiate a better price.”

Merle walked into the house and took a coffee that Lori offered him.

“Do you mind taking this laundry down to Joe’s room, Merle? I almost tripped on those steps and I’m paranoid now,” Lori laughed.

“No problem.”

Merle picked up a basket of clean clothes and asked where Joe was anyway.

“Out for a run, that woman is like a hamster,” Lori joked.

He knew he was going to snoop and didn’t even pretend otherwise as he entered her room.

The three boxes were against the wall and he wasted no time digging in the first one for a diary. Merle had wanted her since he was a kid and he needed to know what she felt in return. This would be her old self in these diaries, but it was something.

**_Dear Diary,_ **

**_I got a 98% on my report for history, thank God! I can’t stand Mr. Burton and I was sure he was going to mark it harshly._ **

**_Merle was over with Shane today, he didn’t talk to me or anything, but he sure looked good. I sat on the couch with my nose in a book, and hopefully, he didn’t notice me gawking at him whenever I could. He has a new girlfriend and she’s really pretty (of course she is) and I’m so jealous it kills me. She’d better be good to him, he deserves that. I would be so good to him, but he’d never be caught dead with me. To be honest, we’d look hilarious together; me and my braces and my stupid clothes and him all perfect…anyway, better get my homework done. Joe xo_ **

Merle sat, stunned on the bed and couldn’t believe what he was reading. A few more pages of reading confirmed that he had been the object of her teen affections for years and he had no idea back then. He tried to put everything back the way it was before she got back, he really didn’t want to get caught spying on her.

What he needed to know is if she was over it, if she wasn’t over it, he wanted to know. He shouldn’t have been curious about anything like that with his wedding only a week away, but he was.

/

“So, did you miss me?”

“Not really.”

“What?”

“Just kidding,” Merle chuckled, but wondered if it really was a joke or not.

“I still can’t believe you picked chocolate cake for a wedding,” Gina groaned.

“It was the only one I liked.”

“I heard you were spending a lot of time with that old friend of yours,” she sighed.

“Who told you that?”

“Lori said she was helping you with wedding plans every day I was gone.”

“Not every day, and I asked her to. You were hanging out with that man you work with anyway.”

“That was work-related, it’s different.”

“This was friend related.”

“What’s up with you lately?”

“What do you mean?”

“You just seem different…I can’t put my finger on it.”

“It’s the same old me, but then again, maybe you don’t know me very well.”

Gina went out on the deck to pout and Merle wondered what Joe was up to. He wanted to read all of her diaries, he wanted to know what she thought of him back then and what she thought now.

/

“So, how’s it going now? Did you find a place yet?” Jacqui asked.

Joe was curled up on the old corduroy couch in her former basement, chatting with her friend like back in high school.

“I have a few to check out, but I have that stupid bachelorette party tomorrow.”

“You should skip it, that’s going to make you miserable anyway.”

“True, but I said I’d go.”

“Still crushing hard?”

“Don’t remind me, I’m too old for this shit.”

“The heart wants what the heart wants.”

“The heart wants what the heart can’t have,” Joe groaned.

“Well, that which is forbidden as they say,” Jacqui teased.

“You’re not helping.”

“Nobody can help you now, babe. You’re in deep, I can hear it in your voice. In all the time I’ve known you, you’ve never been hung up on anyone.”

“This one crush will be the end of me. The worst part is that I’ve gotten to know him so much better than I did back in high school and he’s amazing to be around. He makes me laugh and even though he’s gorgeous, I feel really comfortable with him.”

“You need to say something before it’s too late,” Jacqui pressed.

“Like what? Hey! Maybe you should marry me instead of your fiancé?”

“That’ll work!”

“You’ve lost it. I can’t do that,” she laughed. “I’m just going to have to get over it…somehow.”

“Do you think anyone would mind if I came up for this party? I’ve never been to a small-town hen party before. Maybe I’ll get some ideas for my own bachelorette party in a few months,” she chirped.

“Why not? It sounds like every woman in town will be there and I need someone to talk to. I don’t think my sister-in-law is going, she’s about to pop and she can’t even manage stairs right now.”

“Sweet! I’ll be there with bells on.”

“You’re a goof.”

“I hope I get to have a look at this guy up close. I need to see who’s got you so messed up! He must be a hell of a man!”

“He is…he really is. I can’t help it, nobody else measures up.”

“Ahhhh! So, he’s packin’ heat too!”

“That’s not what I meant!  But I wouldn’t doubt it if he is,” she giggled.

“This is going to be a blast.”

“Meet me at my brother’s place and we’ll get ready together. It’s 277 Dixie Road.”

“You got it. I’ll be there at 6. I’ll just let Jack know and it’s on.”

“Thank God you’ll be there, this is all a bit much for me lately. I need someone to stop me from making an ass of myself.”

“And you think I’ll be good at that job? You’re adorable. I’ll be getting you into more trouble and you know it.”

“You’re a bad influence.”

“True, but you love me.”

“You got me there,” Joe laughed. “See you tomorrow night.”

/

Joe played “Meat is Murder” on the record player and smiled to herself, recalling the sound of Merle’s voice coming down the stairs that night, the way he looked at her when he walked in the room, and the taste of his kiss.

She wondered if she should say something after all but didn’t know how to. It really didn’t seem like he and Gina were a good match and maybe he had a right to know how she felt before he got married. If he didn’t feel the same, he could go ahead and marry Gina, but at least he’d know. The big questions were all there before her and she had a lot of thinking to do.

_Could she live with the regret of not speaking up? Could she live with saying that she loved him, only to have him marry another woman anyway?_

 


	11. Chapter 11

**_ Sweet Agony – Chapter 11 _ **

“Lori?” Joe needed a pair of earrings and hoped her sister in law would have something.

“Yep?”

“Do you have a pair of studs, just something simple to go with this dress?”

“I’m a dangly earring kind of gal but I’ll see what I can-”

“Lori?”

Lori held her hand against the wall and winced for a moment.

“Are you OK?”

“Yeah, just phoney contractions, it’s nothing.”

“I don’t want to see a real one if that’s phoney.”

“Oh, they get horrible, but it’s worth it in the end,” she insisted.

“Uh huh,” Joe nodded skeptically.

She was handed a pair of dangly earrings a moment later that she accepted with a smile and ran her hands over the emerald crushed velvet dress she bought in town.

She looked OK for a bachelorette party she supposed, but she wasn’t really in the mood to celebrate losing Merle to someone else.

Jacqui arrived at the same time as Merle, who nobody was expecting.

“Hey, man, what’s up?” Shane asked.

“You wanna go for a coffee? I said I’d pick Gina up after this thing, so I need to stay awake.”

“Sure, but maybe we need to hang out here, Lori’s got some baby stuff going on.”

“That works…damn.”

Joe saw his eyes move over her body in the form-fitting dress and it was just like the night he kissed her.

Jacqui saw the look and her eyes went wide, anyone in a hundred miles could read his mind, anyone except Shane who wasn’t paying attention.

“Merle…”

“You look…stunning.”

“Thanks,” she grinned.

A hundred years could pass, and she would always feel giddy at rendering Merle Dixon almost speechless.

“Well, we better go, the cab will be here any minute,” Joe said, just to break the tension as Shane finally began to wonder what was happening, he was always the last to catch on.

“See you later,” Merle stuttered. “Have a good time.”

“We’ll try,” Jacqui waved.

/

“He is fine as all hell, Joe!”

“Shhh! They’ll hear you,” Joe laughed from the sidewalk out front.

“You have to say something. He’s the one for you. Did you see how he looked at you?”

“Hard to miss…but if someone says something, it should be him. I’m not a homewrecker. If he wants out of this thing with Gina then he needs to do it of his own accord.”

“What if he just needs to know that you want him first?”

“He shouldn’t not marry her to be with me. If he doesn’t marry her it has to be because he doesn’t want to marry her. It has to be because she’s not the one, not because he sees greener pastures.”

“You’re impossible,” Jacqui sighed. “You know you’re probably going to have to watch him marry her if you don’t speak up.”

“So be it, if he wants me then he has to make that choice himself. I’m head over heels, but he has to come to me…he’s the one who's taken.”

/

She could tell that her choice was annoying Jacqui and it was annoying herself too. Joe had principals and she wasn’t going to bend on this one. She wanted Merle Dixon like air to breathe but it had to happen this way if it happened at all.

The party was dismal, and Gina stuck to her group of friends who came to see her from Atlanta, only stopping for a moment to say hello once.

“You made it, thanks for coming.”

“No problem. Congrats!”

“Thanks. I guess it was you that helped Merle pick the chocolate cake.”

“He just liked it,” she shrugged.

“Thanks for filling in for the wedding.”

“Happy to,” she smiled.

“Well, have fun.”

And then she was gone for the evening. Gina and her friends played silly games and Jacqui rolled her eyes.

“I’m not playing games and drinking out of a penis shaped cup.”

“You and me both, let’s just get drunk.”

“Amen. We’re taking a cab back to your brother’s place anyway, right?”

“Yep. You can crash with me for the night like we’re 16 again,” Joe laughed. “Right now I just need to get blasted and forget all about this wedding stuff for 5 minutes.

“Yes! There’s my fun, Joe, again!”

“Order us some shots, I’m ready to be stupid for a night like back in my single days.”

            ##########

“When are they gonna be done with this thing?” Merle sighed. “I didn’t even want one of those guy parties.”

“Thank God for that, I hate bachelor parties,” Shane groaned.

“It’s damn near 1:30, maybe I should go check up.”

“Maybe. She might get pissed at you babysitting though.”

“What’s new? I just thought Joe and her friend would have been back by now.”

“True. I’ll come with you.”

Merle and Shane left Lori sleeping in bed and got into Merle’s truck to head down to Bobby’s Place.

Upon entering the bar, they found many intoxicated women, including Joe and Jacqui.

“Shit!” Shane huffed. “I need to get my sister and her friend, you go check on Gina.”

“Deal. I’ll meet you out front.”

Shane grinned as he approached his drunken sister dancing in the corner of the bar next to the jukebox.

“Shane! My brother Shane!” she squealed, but her friend’s head was glued to a table, apparently, she was passed out cold.

“Think maybe you should get home, Sis,” he suggested.

“Are you kidding? I’m having the best night ever.”

Her words were slurred and she was having trouble dancing and speaking while maintaining her balance.

“Seriously…you look a little past your best, Joe.”

“What a party pooper,” she giggled.

Shane carried Jacqui out to the truck and lay her in the crew cab, making sure she was still breathing before moving her.

“How much did she drink? Does she need to go to the hospital?” he asked.

“She just can’t handle shots, she always falls asleep when she drinks them.”

Shane loaded the two women safely into his truck as Merle walked out of the bar.

“Where’s Gina?” he asked.

“Your guess is as good as mine. One of her friends says she left in a cab an hour ago,” Merle sighed. “Why would she leave her own party?”

“No idea.”

“Are they OK?”

“My sister is liquored up and her friend can’t even walk. I got a lot of babysitting to do here.”

“I’ll help you out,” Merle smiled.

“You ain’t going to find Gina?”

“I don’t even know if she wants to be found. I called home and she isn’t there.”

“Alright, let’s get these two goofs to bed.”

/

Jacqui was given Gatorade when she finally opened her eyes and Shane made up the upstairs pullout couch for her where she promptly passed out again. Merle took Joe downstairs to bed.

“You’re a good friend, Merle,” Joe slurred.

“You too, hun. Hey, hang on to me or you’re gonna go right down the stairs on your ass,” he laughed.

She clung to him around his neck and he could smell the booze radiating off of her all the way.

“How much did you drink, Joe?”

“Enough.”

“Enough for what?”

“Enough to forget all about you for a bit, but here you are again.”

“Why do you wanna forget about me?” he asked.

“I’m not telling…you can’t make me tell you.”

He pulled back the sheets of the bed for her to crawl in and removed her heels, Merle wanted her to speak to him, but she was barely making sense.

“Did I do something?” he asked.

“No…I’m just tanked, ignore me,” she yawned.

“I guess, this time it’s you that’s drunk.

“Did you know that you made me crazy that night?” she mumbled to herself, “and I’ll never be sane again…as long as I live.”

“Joe…”

She didn’t answer, but he was desperate for more answers.

He sighed and turned to look at the door, he knew she’d be pissed at him for reading her diary and he deserved her anger, he had to tell her anyway.

“I know what you wrote about me in your diary.”

He just couldn’t look at her while he confessed this, so he stared at the door with his back to her.

“I didn’t know you felt that way, or I would have said something a long time ago. Maybe it’s over and you don’t feel like that anymore, but I feel something with you since you’ve been back that I probably shouldn’t…please, say something, Joe. I feel like such an asshole.”

He turned around to find her passed out cold and he didn’t know if he was relieved or not that she hadn’t heard what he said.

Merle got up and bent down to kiss her forehead before leaving. He would never be completely sane again either and he knew it.

 


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am posting the last three chapters of this story today because I don't want any breaks in the momentum of the end of the story:)

**_ Sweet Agony – Chapter 12 _ **

“Ugh…oh dammit,” her head was throbbing and as she looked around the room, there was a moment of disorientation as she remembered that she was at her old house.

 _What happened last night?_ Was all she could pull to mind.

“Wakey wakey,” came a whisper.

“Hey, Lori…tell me I didn’t do anything stupid.”

“Nope. You just got smashed so Shane and Merle brought you back with your friend. No big deal.”

“Merle was here?” she groaned and hoped that she hadn’t vomited in front of him.

“He brought you down here, it’s all good.”

“Sorry, Lori, I know you don’t need two grown women acting like teenagers around here…I’m just a little…”

“What is up with you anyway? You seem a little off and it can’t just be the fire.”

“Can I tell you something if you promise not to think I’m a bitch?”

“I would never think that.”

“When I was younger, for most of my childhood and teen years actually…I had the worst crush on Merle and it never really went away,” she winced.

“What?”

“I’m not acting on it, I swear. It’s just hard for me to see him with her.”

“Oh, Joe, I’m sorry.”

“It’s OK, this is on me and I just need to deal with it. With everything going on lately and him asking me to help arrange his wedding, I just needed to forget for a night.”

“I get it. I’ll be honest with you, I don’t think they’re a great match, but it’s not my place to say, so I keep it to myself.”

“I thought something similar, but I thought maybe it was just me seeing what I wanted.”

“If it makes you feel any better, I think you’re handling this pretty well…are you really not going to tell him how you feel though?”

“I can’t. I want to, but I just can’t.”

“I understand. I’m here to talk any time you need to, don’t forget that.”

“You’re the best. Thanks.”

/

An hour later, Jacqui and Joe were drinking strong coffee and swallowing Tylenol tablets at the kitchen table.

“I think I’m going to look at some condos this week,” Joe announced. “I need to stay busy.”

“Just let me know when and I’ll come with you,” Jacqui smiled.

“Thanks. It’s going to be crazy starting all over again, but my life is waiting for me to get back to it,” she sighed.

/

Joe spent the next few days driving into Atlanta daily to check out condos and settled on one by the end of the third day. She didn’t put a deposit on it right away, but she knew the man selling it through a friend he agreed to hold it until she got back. It was time to stop playing pretend and to start thinking about getting back to her own life. She’d think of Merle, maybe for the rest of her life, but it was over unless he said something, and it didn’t look like that was happening.

The wedding was swiftly approaching by the time she chose a new place to live, it was Wednesday and by Friday night he’d be married. She stood in the basement bedroom holding up the bridesmaid dress that had been altered for her. She hadn’t been there in a couple of days and hadn’t seen Merle or spoken to him, maybe that was best. Still, he turned up that night and she heard his voice upstairs as he chatted with Shane.

Joe looked down at the three boxes from her old life and wondered if maybe it was time for a new diary and to get rid of the old ones. She picked up a notebook with only one used page and tore it out to begin again.

**_Dear Diary,_ **

**_I am moving into a new condo soon in Atlanta. I lost my old home, but I am starting over. I want to fall in love, I want children, I want to get over Merle Dixon, and I will do that if it kills me._ **

**_I’m about to watch him get married in two days and then I’m letting go. I have burned for too long and I can’t just stay burning forever. I would tell him how I feel if he wasn’t taken, but it’s just too late now. I need to start fresh. I need to move on…_ **

**_Joe xo_ **

 

“Joe? You still up?”

She sighed at the way her heart still fluttered at the sound of his voice, it would always be that way and she knew it.

“Come in.”

“Hey, I hear you found a place.”

“Yeah, still need to put money down on it, but it’s perfect for me,” she smiled.

“I’m happy for you, but I hope we’ll still see you back here more often.”

“Definitely. So…you ready for the big day?”

“I think so. Still, don’t know where the hell Gina went on the night of the party, she just turned up the next day at noon…she said she needed to think.”

“I wish I could tell you what happened, I was too wasted to notice she left I’m ashamed to say.”

“You were pretty out of it…you passed out as I was speaking to you.”

“What did I miss?”

“Me rambling like an idiot…maybe I’ll tell you again someday.”

“I’ll hold you to that,” she said.

The air between them had that same tension, that pressure just kept building but never seemed to die down completely.

“So, is the dress OK now?” he chuckled, breaking the spell as if they could pretend there was nothing there.

“It’s much more appropriate now, thanks.”

“You up for a run tomorrow?”

“You run?”

“No, but I’m thinking of starting. Want to take a rookie with you?”

“Sure,” she smiled.

“After work?” she asked.

“I don’t need to start until a delivery comes in tomorrow afternoon, so I’m free early.”

“That works, 8 am?”

“Sure.”

/

Merle didn’t want to run, but he had to be alone with her. He had to try one more time to say it to her, to tell her that she was the one and that he needed to get out of his engagement. He had no idea where Gina went on the night of her bachelorette party and he didn’t really care, that’s how he knew it wasn’t right. If Joe had been his girl and just taken off like that, he’d lose his mind. The thought of her returning to Atlanta and leaving him behind scared him to death. He needed her now. The time he’d spent with her arranging the wedding, laughing and talking was all he needed to prove that she was the one.

That little nerdy girl with braces and kitten sweaters still owned his heart and he needed to man up and let her know.

 

 

 


	13. Chapter 13

**_ Sweet Agony – Chapter 13 _ **

“Wait…slow down…”

“Sorry,” she giggled and ran back to him to hang back a little. “Didn’t mean to take off on you. We can do intervals.”

“I need to walk a bit,” he groaned.

“You got it,” she smiled and nudged him with her elbow. “You sure you wanted to go for a run?”

“Not really?”

“Why are we doing this then?” she mused.

“I just wanted to hang out, I guess.”

They came upon the school playground and she sat on a swing for a moment as he caught his breath. The sky was just like children draw them at the age of 6, blue with puffy white clouds, and he watched her push her feet off of the gravel to get moving.

“These last few weeks have been so strange, but I think it was good for me to take a step back from my life.”

“I’m glad you came back, I realized how much I miss the old days, and you.”

Joe felt more at ease, she was forcing herself to be OK with him getting married. Lying to herself was more accurate, but she was trying her best to fake it till she made it.

“I missed this place too, and you. You’re a good friend, Merle.”

“I’m nervous as hell about tomorrow,” he confessed.

“That’s normal, I think, Shane was a wreck in the week before he married Lori and look how happy they are.”

“So, you think I’m doing the right thing?”

“Only you can know that…you have to be the one to say, ‘I do’ or ‘I don’t’ in the end.”

“True.”

Merle came to stand behind her to push her on the swing and tried to think of a way to blurt it out. This was the last chance he’d ever get to speak his mind, it was then, or it was never, but then she stopped him so simply.

“Being here in the past for a few weeks is great, but I need to get back to my life,” she sighed and leaned back in the swing to smile at him. “Don’t worry so much about the future, Merle. It’ll all work out the way it was supposed to.”

“You think?”

“I know it will.”

They didn’t pretend to run after that, and he let go of the plan to tell her he loved her, his bed was made.

/

“You ready for tomorrow, Mr. Dixon?” Gina purred that night as they climbed into bed.

“Ready as I’m gonna be.”

“Still won’t consider moving back to Atlanta?”

“I don’t know…I can’t think of anything that big tonight.”

“You OK?”

“Yeah, this is just a big step in life.”

“Do you have doubts?”

“Do you?”

“No.”

“What were you thinking about when you left the party? You won’t tell me where you went, but can you tell me what you were thinking about?”

“Just thinking.”

“Why can’t you open up to me? I’m going to be your husband.”

“Does being married mean telling each other every little thing?”

Merle rolled over in bed away from her and turned off the lamp.

“I guess not, I thought that’s what it meant, but what do I know?”

“I was thinking about us…I was questioning it, OK?”

“What are you unsure about?”

“I don’t fit in here, Merle. I’m a city girl.”

“It really means that much to you to be back in Atlanta?”

“Doesn’t it mean that much to you to stay here?”

“I guess so.”

“All of this will work itself out, that’s what my mom says. Then again, she’s been divorced three times.”

“Really?”

“Didn’t I tell you that?”

“No…”

Merle went to bed alone that night, Gina claimed to have last minute arrangements to make. In a normal relationship they would have sworn up and down that nothing mattered but being together and make love, but this clearly wasn’t a normal relationship.

            ###########

Joe put on the dress and pulled her dark curly hair up into a bun, she took a slow deep breath and steeled herself against the day. He had a chance to speak, but he didn’t. They were together for 3 hours the day before all alone and he said nothing, so she knew it was really over.

Shane seemed to be acting funny with her and she guessed that Lori told him about her crush. Married couples told each other everything and she didn’t fault her sister-in-law for telling him. Everyone may as well know now that it was over, she figured.

The wedding was at Madison City Hall and there was no religion involved. A Justice of the Peace would be there to officiate, and the reception was to be conveniently held in the same location.

“I look like a blimp,” Lori sighed.

“You look beautiful, don’t be silly,” Joe insisted.

“Listen to my sister, she’s the smart one in the family,” Shane winked.

“Nice dress,” he grinned.

“Shut up!”

“I can’t believe you agreed to this, Joe. You’re a doll…you gonna be OK?” Shane asked carefully.

_Yep, he definitely knew…_

“I’ll be fine, no worries.”

Merle was in a black tux that he clearly didn’t like and was pacing a back room of the hall when they arrived. Shane sent Joe to help Lori find a seat, so he could do his best man job and calm down the groom.

“Jesus! Have a drink or something, Merle. You’ll wear a groove in the floor,” Shane laughed.

“Tell me I’m doing the right thing,” he pleaded.

“Nobody can tell you that, old buddy. You either wanna get married or you don’t.”

“I wanna get married but is she the one?” he winced.

“Merle, pull yourself together. You need to decide now what you want.”

“Can’t even tell you that,” he chuckled and pulled at the tie that felt as if it were strangling him.

“Since when can’t you tell me something, we’re like brothers.”

“I know…that’s half the problem.”

“What?”

“Never mind.”

“Is this about Joe?” Shane broached.

Merle didn’t answer, and the entire moment was silenced by the Justice of the Peace calling Merle to the hall for the ceremony.

“Shit…”

“Merle, do you need to call this off?”

“I can’t…that wouldn’t be right.”

/

“Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today before friends and family to share in the greatest gift we have in life. Love.”

He looked so serious, he looked handsome but very uncomfortable. Joe was facing him, and so was Gina, but Joe was avoiding eye contact.

She closed her eyes for a moment as the vows began and she could still see him clear as day, gorgeous and 18 years old. The way he kissed her that night was what she would measure all men against for the rest of her days.

The severing as he left the room was so similar to the agony of listening to him pledge his life to another woman…it was heartbreaking.

“Joe?”

She opened her eyes to see Merle’s eyes focused on hers.

“Huh?”

Had she fallen asleep, why was he speaking to her in the middle of the ceremony?

“I read your diary.”

“You what?”

“I’m sorry I did that, but I had to know...”

“Merle, what the hell is going on?” Gina demanded, but he didn’t even appear to hear her.

“I know how you felt about me then, and I need to know if that’s over.”

“But-”

“I know that this won’t work and even if you don’t feel the same as I do, I know I can’t go through with this.”

“How could you do this to me?” Gina screamed. “You had to wait till now to say this? In front of everyone?”

“I’m sorry, Gina, but you know as well as I do that this won’t work.”

Gina threw her bouquet at Merle and stormed off to join her family, but Merle’s eyes never left Joe’s as the silent hall waited.

“Tell me, Joe…do you still want me? Cause I still want you, and I know that nobody else will do for me, ever.”

“Yes.”

“Say it again,” he pleaded.

“I want you…since I was a kid, all I wanted was you.”

 

 

 


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gotta run to town so I'll get to any comments tonight:)  
> Thank you so much for reading! I hope everyone liked the ending.  
> I don't like to drag a story out beyond the conclusion of the main conflict so this one ends a little suddenly.   
> More Merle oneshots coming right away!   
> Teagan xoxo

**_ Someday – Chapter 14 _ **

“Wait…slow down…”

“Sorry, I just needed to get the hell out of there. I can’t breathe,” he gasped when he finally stopped in a back hallway of the building.

“This is crazy, Merle,” she exclaimed, but a little grin was ever present.

“I can’t do it, and I can’t fight it anymore. She isn’t the one for me.”

“Shouldn’t you maybe make a proper announcement?” she rambled.

“There ain’t nothing I can say in there to make it OK now. I didn’t want it to go down like this, but it’s better now than later. Will you leave here with me?”

It was a plea, an offering, a prayer, and all Joe could do was smile and nod.

Merle took her hand and led her out to the parking lot and in a breath, she was next to him in his truck.

His expression was deadly serious, his eyes never leaving the road and then his hand reached out to touch her knee as if touching her grounded him in reality.

“Where are we going?” she asked.

“I don’t know…I just need to be with you. There’s so much I need to say to you.”

Joe didn’t question anything and sat at his side as he hit the highway and increased his speed.

They stopped about twenty minutes later in the tiny town of Covington and pulled up outside an old brick hotel.

“Joe…I’m gonna get us a room. OK?”

“OK.”

She was still in her awful bridesmaid dress and he was in his tux, everything had occurred in only the last hour and she was dizzy with emotion.

Merle came back out a moment later and asked her to come inside. Up a dim stairwell, he pulled a key from his pocket and stepped into an old-fashioned room with a brass bed, floral wallpaper and a leather couch.

“I can’t say this on the street or in a crowd, Joe. I need to say this to you in private and I don’t want any interruption.”

“We’re all alone now…speak,” she whispered.

“When we were kids, I did want you, but I was scared of what Shane would think. He was my touchstone and I needed him and your whole family…you know how it was for me at home.”

“I know,” she answered softly.

“The night I walked in on you cemented it all for me, but I felt like I hurt you. You never seemed to look me in the eye after that. I thought I scared you and I felt like shit about it for years.”

“I heard you telling Shane that you didn’t think of me that way, that I was a kid and it humiliated me. I avoided you cause I was embarrassed.”

“I had to tell him that, but it wasn’t true. I wanted to stay that night, but I couldn’t.”

“You set me on fire that night, Merle. I wanted you more than anything for years…when you touched me, I …”

“I’m sorry, Joe.”

“It’s OK. I understand it all now.”

“Touching you felt so right…”

“Coming back here almost killed me, seeing you with her…and then I found that we got along so well. It wasn’t just a stupid teen crush anymore. I could see us together.”

“I see it too, Joe, and I know it’s real because I’d leave here in a heartbeat to be with you. If Atlanta is where you need to be, I’d go there tomorrow.”

“You would?”

“Madison isn’t my home, you are.”

“Merle…”

He was before her in an instant and it began as easily as breathing. A kiss, so many years in the making, took her off guard and Joe relented to it.

One big hand settled on her lower back and the other held her mouth to his by the back of her head. This was it.

“I gotta have you, Joe…I need you right now.”

“It’s about time you finish what you started,” she grinned and then she was being urged slowly to the wall behind her.

His right hand moved down to her outer thigh as he filled her mouth with his tongue once more.

A part of her almost wanted to weep with emotion, she had been so close to losing him forever and here they were tangling themselves in each other.

He pulled her leg up around his hip and thrust against her, stoking a fire that never really died and making her moan in the process. She could feel him hard against her body and the need in his touch was so evident.

“Jesus…you got me so hot for you, Joe…just like that night and it’s never gonna end.”

“I thought I’d never have you, Merle.”

“You got me now, Joe, as long as you want me.”

She was stunned then as he reached down to grab her by the backs of both thighs and hiked her up to press her against the wall. He held his big hands under her ass to keep her there and kissed her hard and dirty, panting between desperate mouthfuls of each other’s tongue.

Her ridiculous dress was pushed up over her panties and the sensation of his strong hands against her thighs and silk covered ass made her wet instantly.

“Fuuuuuck,” she whined. “Lay me down, Merle. I need it now.”

He chuckled in that same sexy way he always had and walked to the big brass bed to lay her out.

Joe watched as he loosened his tie and shrugged out of his jacket.

“We’re gonna be here a good while, hope you don’t have any plans,” he winked, and she bit her lip in giddy lustful excitement. All of her teen dreams were coming true, but it was so much more than that. Merle was her person, the one she felt complete with.

He crawled over her on the bed and began to seek the zipper at the back of the dress. She had thought of him undressing her a hundred times and now he was pulling her dress down her legs and looking down at her black bra and panties hungrily.

“Damn…you’re still as hot as that night, maybe hotter,” he growled.

“You are probably the only one to describe me as hot back then,” she giggled.

“You were the kind of hot that only a real man can see.”

“And you’re a real man,” she purred.

“You’re God damn right I am,” he grinned and then it was on.

Joe looked up helplessly as he unbuttoned his dress shirt, stripped off his pants and boxers and squirmed himself between her thighs. His cock was as perfect as she always suspected; thick, long and hard as stone.

His mouth found her neck and she felt the head of his cock pressing against the cool wet crotch of her panties.

“Jesus…please…”

“Not yet, this sex is years in the making. I wanna make you cum good first.”

He pulled the straps of her bra down and trailed his tongue over her shoulder before moving down to her breasts.

She reached behind her back then, desperate for his hands on her bare flesh and tossed her removed bra to the floor.

Merle wasted no time taking her entire right nipple into his mouth, sucking softly and rolling it over his tongue.

Her legs spread wider and she ached for more contact down below, but he was denying her.

“You’re gonna get it, but I got years of anticipation to fulfill here. I wanna make it so good you never leave.”

“Keep going…just please don’t stop,” she whimpered.

He gave in a little by stripping her of her panties and she could already sense him inside her as she panted for release.

Merle surprised her then by pulling both her hands over her head and holding them there as he moved to her left breast.

He slid his cock up and down her slit and set her on fire, doused her in kerosene and continued to grin down at her.

“You’re so evil…why do you hurt me like this?” she cried out.

“I want you right there, Joe. Before I fuck you, I wanna get you right there…I want your pussy so ready for me that you come apart as soon as I get inside.”

The way the man used words was like a spell, her body responding to every word like an incantation.

His mouth closed around her left nipple and his right hand never eased up on her wrists as he continued to tease her wet lips and clit with his cock.

“Oh fuck…oh my God…Mmmmmerle!”

She was there, and he pressed into her by one inch before pulling his hips back to tease her again.

“You cummin’, Joe…you ready for me?”

“Yes! Oh God yes!”

“This is what we waited all these years for, Joe…this is love.”

“Take me, Merle…I need you. It’s always been you.”

Just an inch and then one more until he was inside her and like the countdown to midnight on New Year’s she felt the excitement rising.

His mouth found hers again as he let go of her hands and she held his face to hers.

The motion of his hips and the depth of his thrusting made her toes curl and her heart race.

He grunted above her, masculine and hot as hell until he rolled over to have her on top of him.

Joe rode his cock and leaned down to kiss him deep as he held her ass cheeks tight, rocking her in a perfect rhythm.

“Awww fuck yes,” he moaned, and Joe knew she’d never felt, heard, or seen anything sexier than Merle Dixon and never would.

He sat up on the bed with a little effort and she never broke her stride, rocking herself on his lap. Merle reclaimed her breasts and she could feel it right there again…rising up.

Something about the angle of his perfect cock and the way her legs were spread so wide over his crossed legs. Constant pressure of her clit against his pelvis and his mouth sucking her nipples so hungrily…she was right there again.

She couldn’t even make a sound as a silent scream built up from the depths of her lower belly.

She clung to his head and fucked him as hard as she could as it moved over her like a tsunami, destroying any chance that she’d ever leave his side.

He let her ride it out and kissed her shoulders lovingly all the while.

/

Merle was stunned to find that she still had plenty of energy and pushed him back on the bed then to really take it home.

His best friend’s little sister began to kiss her way up his thighs, and he knew right where she was going.

Her tongue found its way up the front of his cock and he shuddered, already close to release from the way she had fucked him. Joe took him in her hand and moved her soft wet lips up and down his shaft until he begged for more. She sucked him good and proper for a few minutes and then he needed to set the charge.

“Roll over for me, Joe…lemme take ya from behind.”

/

It was the hottest thing he’d ever said, and she happily turned her back on him.

Merle filled her with one good thrust and pulled her body back against his chest.

“Feel good?”

“Uh huh.”

“You feel it all over…deep inside?”

“Jesus, yes!”

He held one breast and wrapped the other arm around her waist as he drilled up into her, it was the best sex on earth.

“Oh fuck….oh fuck yeah!” he groaned, and she knew it was almost over.

He came with both strong arms holding her body tight and his dick draining into her with abandon.

/

“Merle?”

“Yeah?”

“What happens now?”

“Anything you want, Joe. I mean that.”

“I don’t want to make you leave here…you love it here.”

“I can commute for work with Shane. I gotta be where you are, Joe.”

“Are we crazy?”

“Yes, but only for waiting so long…it was a bit of a mess.”

“It sure was.”

“So, you gonna let me read the rest of your diaries?” he teased.

“No! Some of it’s really cringey.”

“I like cringey, when it’s about you liking me,” he smiled.

“I was stupid over you, Merle,” she smiled as he pulled her in closer.

“I was pretty stupid for you too, and now I get to explain this to your brother,” he laughed.

“I have a feeling that he already knows.”

“Yeah?”

“Well, we did just run out of your wedding together.”

“True.”

“I always hoped this would happen someday, but I never had a clue how to make it happen,” he sighed and then a slow yawned took him over.

“This was a someday worth waiting for though,” she said softly.

“It sure was and thank God this day finally came. I should have just picked you up that day at the bus stop,” he sighed.

“Maybe, or maybe this is just the way it was supposed to happen.”

“You think?”

“I think so. We travelled oceans of time and so many misunderstandings to get here and so we’ll appreciate it that much more. Right?”

“You always did have a way with words, Joe.”

 

 


End file.
